He's old, he's jaded, he's a baseball scout. He thinks today's players aren't shit compared to Home Run Baker and Three-Finger Brown. He spews out so many old baseball names you're not sure if they're real or made up. He mentions obscure nicknames as if they're common knowledge. And more often than not, he'll start spinning a yarn about some guy he (supposedly) once saw rather than answer your original question.
So who better to ask about Washington Nationals pitching phenom, Stephen Strasburg?
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On Strasburg's Arm...
" Decent arm. I'd probably even go as far as to call it a good arm. But I don't think he's in the same class as [presumably retired pitcher] Ezekiel Pratt. The Amish Horse. Big Zeke. Pratt once raised a barn one morning, then went out and pitched both games of a double-header that same night. The second game was a no-hitter. Best god damned arm I've ever seen. "
On the Strasburg Hype...
" Reminds me of a kid a couple years back named Shane Mahoney. The Canadian Rocket. He was supposed to be the next Dazzy Vance, but sure as shit, when me and [fellow jaded baseball scout and long-time drinking partner] Smitty went to see him pitch in Moose Balls or some damn town up there, he got knocked around by a bunch of god damned eskimos. They did have some pretty good fish up there, though. "
On Strasburg's Big Contract...
" Back in the old days, players got a per diem of sixty cents and they had to buy their own toilet paper. I once gave Mickey Mantle a dollar just so he could wipe his own ass. 'Course, The Mick used that dollar to buy two women a drink and he took them both home that night. Then he took some toilet paper from their hotel room. Yup, that was The Mick, alright. Boy, we had some times. "
On Strasburg Hitting 100 MPH on the Radar Gun...
" Shoot, I once saw a minor leaguer named Dusty Sanderson throw 107 with a water-logged ball after a 3-hour rain delay without any warm-up pitches. 'Course, I didn't have my radar gun with me that day, but I know 107 when I see it. 'Course, Dusty ripped up his elbow with that very same pitch, and back then we didn't know Tommy John from Tommy James, so he never pitched again. Son of a bitch, that boy could throw. "
On Strasburg's Accuracy...
" He's accurate enough. But, let's face it... he's not Turk McGillicuddy. Now that guy could paint the corners like a god damned Picasso. Had an arm like a god damned rubber hose, too. Limber. Turk McGillicuddy could throw a bumblebee into a pig's ass from 60 feet away. He was that good. "
On Strasburg's Long Term Potential...
" Sure, he can throw, but the question is... can he hit? If he can't, he's no Buzz Nelson, in my book. Buzz used to catch on the days he didn't pitch and he could hit the livin' shit out of the ball. When he wasn't pitchin', he was catchin', and when he wasn't catchin', he was hittin'. One year, Ol' Buzz went 29 and 4 on the hill, hit .396 with 39 taters, and volunteered full time as a fireman in the offseason just because that's the kind of god damned guy he was. "
So who better to ask about Washington Nationals pitching phenom, Stephen Strasburg?
<"I don't think he's in the same class as [presumably retired pitcher] Ezekiel Pratt. The Amish Horse."
On Strasburg's Arm...
" Decent arm. I'd probably even go as far as to call it a good arm. But I don't think he's in the same class as [presumably retired pitcher] Ezekiel Pratt. The Amish Horse. Big Zeke. Pratt once raised a barn one morning, then went out and pitched both games of a double-header that same night. The second game was a no-hitter. Best god damned arm I've ever seen. "
On the Strasburg Hype...
" Reminds me of a kid a couple years back named Shane Mahoney. The Canadian Rocket. He was supposed to be the next Dazzy Vance, but sure as shit, when me and [fellow jaded baseball scout and long-time drinking partner] Smitty went to see him pitch in Moose Balls or some damn town up there, he got knocked around by a bunch of god damned eskimos. They did have some pretty good fish up there, though. "
"I once gave Mickey Mantle a dollar just so he could wipe his own ass."
On Strasburg's Big Contract...
" Back in the old days, players got a per diem of sixty cents and they had to buy their own toilet paper. I once gave Mickey Mantle a dollar just so he could wipe his own ass. 'Course, The Mick used that dollar to buy two women a drink and he took them both home that night. Then he took some toilet paper from their hotel room. Yup, that was The Mick, alright. Boy, we had some times. "
On Strasburg Hitting 100 MPH on the Radar Gun...
" Shoot, I once saw a minor leaguer named Dusty Sanderson throw 107 with a water-logged ball after a 3-hour rain delay without any warm-up pitches. 'Course, I didn't have my radar gun with me that day, but I know 107 when I see it. 'Course, Dusty ripped up his elbow with that very same pitch, and back then we didn't know Tommy John from Tommy James, so he never pitched again. Son of a bitch, that boy could throw. "
" Turk McGillicuddy could throw a bumblebee into a pig's ass from 60 feet away. He was that good. "
On Strasburg's Accuracy...
" He's accurate enough. But, let's face it... he's not Turk McGillicuddy. Now that guy could paint the corners like a god damned Picasso. Had an arm like a god damned rubber hose, too. Limber. Turk McGillicuddy could throw a bumblebee into a pig's ass from 60 feet away. He was that good. "
On Strasburg's Long Term Potential...
" Sure, he can throw, but the question is... can he hit? If he can't, he's no Buzz Nelson, in my book. Buzz used to catch on the days he didn't pitch and he could hit the livin' shit out of the ball. When he wasn't pitchin', he was catchin', and when he wasn't catchin', he was hittin'. One year, Ol' Buzz went 29 and 4 on the hill, hit .396 with 39 taters, and volunteered full time as a fireman in the offseason just because that's the kind of god damned guy he was. "
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