THE RATASS GAZETTE

Written By: Brandon Schlong Copyright 2013 Reubenickenobickle You’ll never guess who I bumped into this morning. Nope, nope.  He actually moved back to upstate Warshington I guess, sheeit… Musta been two years ago.  Was it two years ago…? Hadta been cos’, I remember he helped me feed the heifers the morning of Patrick’s birthday. First frost of the year that very same mornin’ come to think of it. Oh, sure! Their daughter Bridgette, runnin’ round a-peein-and-a-poopin ever’ where. I can tell you for Goddamn  sure, that he and Kathy had never been happier. Anyway, it was shorely just a brush-stroke of luck who I… No, it wasn’t her either. Her son died , ya know? Ugh, and it was just so Goddamn messy ! She still wanted an open casket and boy, oh boy…old Hard-nosed Hilda Bickered and fought with Reverend Donaldson till the very last minute. No, they didn’t. Hell, they couldn’t have all them school kids seein’ him the way he looke...

You know, he's the guy who can snare the ladies.  Some loser teaching other losers how to appropriately approach some tender-little-shaver in some hipster beer parlor.  The night ending with you eventually staggering up the road with her, to your sparsely furnished stink-chamber of an apartment to give her the old "Brown Madam."   "Home sweet Hell," you'll say as you dead-bolt the door and accidentally hit your forehead on the door knob as you take off your Spalding's.   This is the guy that understands  the ladies.  This is the dick-head who can identify the needs and moods of all  the ladies, and if you listen to his Abigail Van Buren-like sage wisdom you'll never hear the phrase,  "You smell like poop," again. This line will be spoken of course, by a visibly-uncomfortable-previously-laughing-just-a-minute-ago-girl-but-now-feeling-nauseated-and-frightened-and-wanting-to-immediately-leave-and-move-out-of-town-never-to-return-from-the...

"Private Number" - Act I, Scene A Private Ron Number sits in his cramped, messy office down at the police department, stale smoke hanging in the room like a cloud. The department was too damn cheap too fix his damn ceiling fan, Number figured, as he shook his head in annoyance. The phone rang and Private Number answered it in his typical gruff, could-probably-use-a-lozenge voice...  "Ron Number." "Oh, sorry. Good bye." (* Click *) The dial tone resumed. The caller on the other end had hung up. " Goddammit !" The detective slammed down the phone. " Sixth time this morning!" Private Number lit up another cigarette. It was the third cigarette of the fourth pack of smokes he'd had that day, and it wasn't even lunchtime yet. He'd been up for 94 straight hours trying to track down the Dirt Bag and he was fucking tired. He didn't have time for this shit. "And why the hell do they always apologize before ...

"If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it. That's my motto."   Oh, how I love these old Tim Allen stand-up routines!  He's a man, he loves tools, he loves engines, he grunts, he burps, he soups up his lawnmower and he's proud of it, dammit!  Here's a look back at some truly funny stuff from his early stand-up days.  All of this material was truly original at the time.  I used to think of him as "the hardware comedian" because his bits were all about duct tape and ladders.  Home Improvement was one of the biggest sitcoms of the 90's and almost all of the material for that series originated in his early stand-up.  A lot of comedians have bits about how men are different than women, but Tim Allen made a career off it!  Here is the "Rewires America" special in it's entirety (from YouTube, broken into 3 parts) and I've noted a few of my favorite lines and bits along the way.  Enjoy!    Here is Part 1 of "Tim ...

Feel free to use this bit at your next social gathering if someone mentions... Cheerleaders. “What’s up with cheerleaders, and why are they always telling their team to ' Go '? Even when they’re on Defense. ' Go Defense! ' Where the hell do they want the Defense to go?  They don’t even have the ball!  What if they ' Go ' backwards?  They really should be more specific!" ( Pause for laughter ) "If anything, it should be ' Stop The Offense! '   Mock cheerleader voice:   " Halt! Stifle! Impede!   I-M-P!  E-D-E!  Immmm-PEDE! " ( Pause for crazy applause.  If there is still no applause, add in a high-leg kick for emphasis. You know, explore the space.   If you still hear crickets, feigning a pulled muscle on the leg-kick can sometimes get you some cheap laughs. Take anything you can get, because at this point, aside from some eye-bugging and forehead-wiping... the bit is pretty much over. ) "You know what I’m saying?” ...

This comedy bit is from Norm Macdonald's HBO One-Night Stand performance, which originally aired in 1991. He riffs for a good three minutes on how much he hates sitting in the back seat on a long car ride, and I laughed nonstop!  I just thought the material was gold and had to post it! All credit goes to Norm Macdonald here. " It’s good to be here, man. I got a lift down here.  We drove down, me and my two buddies, there, and 4 hours it took us to drive in.  And I was in the back seat all the way.   You ever be in the back seat for a long trip?  Oh man, does that stink or what? Man, what a rough place that is!  When there’s only 3 of ya in the car, and you’re in the back seat… you know you’re not the most popular guy in the car.  Got no diggity back there at all, ya know?  Didn’t even have a door for me.  This is one of those 2 door cars.  Only had doors for the front seat guys.  I didn’t even have a door at all, I had to...