THE RATASS GAZETTE

Hi, yourself. Jerk.  Oh? You didn't realize I have been up for hours working on my computer stuff?  I was sitting there in my room. I was trying to concentrate...okay?  I maximize my time. Maximize . Maximization, shit-head. Uh, yes. I do know what that fucking word means. Taking care of business , that's what it fucking means. Look it up, Billy. Pfft... Billy ...what are you, a fucking 7 year-old?  A God-Damned, 33 year-old " man " named Billy ... Either way, it's something you wouldn't even know about... You don't need to "Google" anything, asshole. What the fuck are you doing anyway? Making a fucking mess , it looks like.  No...seriously...go right on ahead...let's use the paper-towels that I bought. Wiping up butchered, animal meat and blood...why not?  Remember, I'm just a fucking vegetarian .  You know, completely opposed to the cruel living conditions And the insanely, inhumane treatment of animals...

"I say we stomp him!" ( "Yeah!" ) "Then we tattoo 'im!" ( "Yeah!" ) "Then we hang 'im!" ( "Yeah!" ) "And then we kill 'im!" ( "YEAH!!!" ) RANDOM THOUGHTS ... Not only is this a classic scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure , but I'd say it's one of the Top 10 Funniest Movie Scenes ever, right? I had a hard time picking a favorite line from this scene, there's just too many good ones! No matter how many times I've seen this I still think it's hilarious. 

Random Notes: 'Don't Stop Me Now' is the best Queen song ever recorded... Very few people agree with me. "Fucking Bohemian Rhapsody, brah! It's fucking Bohemian Rhapsody! That's the number one! I'll fucking waste you!!! Your ass is grass, dude! Eat shit and die, queer-bait! Rrrrrhhaaapsssoddddeeeeeee-luh!!!" some idiots might spit out. I am biased because it is my favorite Queen song. It was reportedly written by Freddie Mercury floating naked in his bath-tub probably eyeballs deep in filthy bath-water...high on cocaine and thinking about dudes. Reportedly...? My Aunt Helen !!! Am I right, folks?  That story is real...   Or, maybe it's completely fabricated. Maybe, I'm confusing that story with some other shit. Maybe, I'm so effed up, I wouldn't know the difference between a toilet and my dinner-plate. Maybe, at a Mexican-person party they throw flour tortillas into the air and shoot guns at them for some rea...

- Alice Cooper drinks a tall glass of    ice-water  then shouts, "Let's Rock!"    into a mirror  before hitting the stage. - Klaus Meine was the tallest kid in his class. - Neil Young played harmonica on    Venom's "Black Metal." - Michael Anthony often substitutes    his  live concert "Bass Solo"    with a "High-Alto Solo." - Vinnie Paul's drum stool has a built in    drainage pipe, with replaceable    1-time-use seat covers and a    Barbecue Sauce  Stick-Dippin' Drum. - Oderous Urungus builds model    Space-Ships on cocaine, as a hobby. - Blackie Lawless prepared a    Pineapple  Upside-Down Cake on    Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood one time. - Paul Stanley's original, vocal intro to    KISS's "Heaven's On Fire" was    190 seconds  l ong.  - Matt Sorum titled his auto-biography    "Snare-To...

  1) Screaming Into The Face Of Evil   2) Driving With My Eyes Closed   3) Diminutive Mountain-Top Screaming Man   4) Ritchie Blackmore Calls The Shots, Ronnie   5) Lil' Stinker   6) Cartwheeling Down The Stairs   7) Baby Shakin' Boogie   8) A Nice Quiet Chat With Ron   9) Bog-Land Bob And The Squeegie Boards 10) Heaven And Heaven 11) Anthony, Terence, Vincent and Ronald

"You think I don't know what breaks my fridge?" - Season 6, Ep 19, "The One With Joey's Fridge"  RANDOM THOUGHTS ... My general rule of thumb with Friends is this... Seasons 1-3: Gold; Seasons 4-10: Hit or miss.  "The One With Joey's Fridge"  is from Season 6 and it's not just a hit, it's a grand friggin' slam. Hilarious episode. Complete with Spanish subtitles! De nada. 

Go ahead. Ask me, my brothers, or any of my close friends, and we'll all tell you the same thing: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is one of the funniest movies of all time. It's packed full of laughs from beginning to end. Just one gut-busting scene after another. PEE-WEE AND MICKEY - Here's a couple memorable scenes featuring Pee-Wee and Mickey. Mickey's a fugitive on the loose and Pee-Wee's hitching a ride with him. ... I'm not sure who I'm explaining that to. Clearly, everybody knows who Mickey is, right? "Yeah, I got a real bad temper."  - That's one of my favorite lines in the whole movie. Classic Mickey. Also, I love Pee-Wee's reaction when Mickey puts his hand on the wheel so he can steer while Mickey lights up a smoke. The whole damn thing is hilarious. "Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer." - Again, this shit just cracks me up. The fact that both the cop and Mickey seem to be oddly attra...

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: Wee hours of the morn Nov. 28, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe What the Goddamn-hell d’ya mean ? Of course, I did!  Like, fuckin’ three, four hours! Jeez-uss Harold Christ on the Shitter! W-w-w-w-w-what the shit is this, anyways? Of course!  I’m Goddamn great! I already told you…like three hours! Yeah? Well, I ain’t Goddamn lyin’ about this ! What the fuck is with all the looks yer givin’ me? Hey, there!  Mr.  Tollackson!  Hey, Larry! Yeah, my wife here thi… Yes, good morning Stephanie. Larr ...!  Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Yes…yes…yes, indeedee-o. You and Larry off to the vineyards this weekend? Beautiful... Excuse me, please…Steph…Larry… You better Goddamn not start walkin’ away again! Y…?  Yeah! Seems it must be opening night of: "Inquisition By The Davenport.” The latest comedy by Arthur Dickerson, Cause you’re  fuckin’ laughin’...

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-...

1)  The Vanishing Tourist 2)  Severed Vulva: House of Laughs 3)  Richard Ramirez Midnight Fun-Run 4)  Bobbing For Helmets 5)  Drunken, Abusive Step-Father: The Ride 6)  The Anus of Terror 7)  10,000 Screaming Indians 8)  Farmer Mouthmilker's Buttery Bun Spreader 9)  HAARP Apocalypse

Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak Lily of the Valley Garden Terrace Plaza Arena Hick Creek, WI December 31, 2012 Vox: Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar: Nectar Jigsaw Bass: Cig Lathe Keyboards: "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums:  Sammy "The Train-Wreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass:  Terry Ladle Venue Capacity:   4,500 Crowd Attendance: 550 Time: 11:45 pm Rating:   90 stars, +4 Lightning, +4 Ice, +3 Fire From what I caught at the bar: "I'm gonna slow things dowwwnn-uuuuhhhh !" screamed Crazy the Wildman.   Crazy, who was visibly exhausted already after two songs, plopped down on his 'Gallagher-esque couch prop.'   "I'm gonna introduce y'all out there to the rest of the guys that make 'Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak' rock so badly!" coughed Crazy. (Applause) "And by badly...I mean goodly!" (Thunderous Applause) "On lead guitar...I said leeeeeeeed guitar, we've got the phil...

2013 Biggest Ass-Kicker w/Skinniest Arms  Award (AKA Steve Wilkos Trophy)        Corey Lipper, 48      Beaver Dam, WI    6'4"  290lbs  12" Biceps     Signature Move:  Double-Fisted-Jump-Kick     Signature Line:   "Anybody else gonna fuck w'me ?"     Signature Drink:   Old Style in a can         Personal Credo: If ya fuck with her, yer fuckin' with me.         Hobbies:   Wood Choppin', Wood Haulin', Wood Pilin', Wood Burnin'     Favorite Holiday:   Goddamn Fourth of July     Favorite Movie:   Born on the Goddamn Fourth of July         Corey Lipper's 2012 Stats:    - 93 Fist Clubbings    - 79 Aggressive Chest Pushes     - 70 Bar Stool Throwings    - 66 Kettle Drummings    - 62 Windpipe Stompings ...

1) Trampoline on the Slope 2) The Spinal Re-Organizer 3) Boners of the Midwest: Sightseeing Tour 4) Hong Kong Torture Boat 5) Assassin's Target 6) Jar of Snakes: Kiddie Koin Grab 7) The Baloney Grinder 8) Sulfur Haus of Hell 9) Camp Tittybutthole

Crazy the Wildman  W/Dummyfreak Vox : Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar : Nectar Jigsaw Bass : Cig Lathe Keyboards : "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums : Sammy "The Trainwreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass : Terry Ladle (Interviewed by: Brandon Schlong)      (Tape Begins) Brandon Schlong:  (Wisconsin sounding) So, do you think about dying, ever? Crazy the Wildman:  (In a boorish, Cockney accent) Well, you see...to me...dying is like...uh, a part of religion, right?  Right.  Dying is like, a part  of the end of my mortal being.  And, thinking about religion makes me think of where we came from, or rather...uh, the way I  think about it is more...uh, like...instead of where we came from...right.  It's like, where are we going? What are we going to evolve into?  What galaxy  are we... Brandon Schlong:   I'm just gonna cut you off right there.  I know you're a rock-star and you're just waiting  ...