THE RATASS GAZETTE

Hi, yourself. Jerk.  Oh? You didn't realize I have been up for hours working on my computer stuff?  I was sitting there in my room. I was trying to concentrate...okay?  I maximize my time. Maximize . Maximization, shit-head. Uh, yes. I do know what that fucking word means. Taking care of business , that's what it fucking means. Look it up, Billy. Pfft... Billy ...what are you, a fucking 7 year-old?  A God-Damned, 33 year-old " man " named Billy ... Either way, it's something you wouldn't even know about... You don't need to "Google" anything, asshole. What the fuck are you doing anyway? Making a fucking mess , it looks like.  No...seriously...go right on ahead...let's use the paper-towels that I bought. Wiping up butchered, animal meat and blood...why not?  Remember, I'm just a fucking vegetarian .  You know, completely opposed to the cruel living conditions And the insanely, inhumane treatment of animals...

Random Notes: 'Don't Stop Me Now' is the best Queen song ever recorded... Very few people agree with me. "Fucking Bohemian Rhapsody, brah! It's fucking Bohemian Rhapsody! That's the number one! I'll fucking waste you!!! Your ass is grass, dude! Eat shit and die, queer-bait! Rrrrrhhaaapsssoddddeeeeeee-luh!!!" some idiots might spit out. I am biased because it is my favorite Queen song. It was reportedly written by Freddie Mercury floating naked in his bath-tub probably eyeballs deep in filthy bath-water...high on cocaine and thinking about dudes. Reportedly...? My Aunt Helen !!! Am I right, folks?  That story is real...   Or, maybe it's completely fabricated. Maybe, I'm confusing that story with some other shit. Maybe, I'm so effed up, I wouldn't know the difference between a toilet and my dinner-plate. Maybe, at a Mexican-person party they throw flour tortillas into the air and shoot guns at them for some rea...

Random Thoughts:  Released on the album "C.M.B." in 1991, this #1 hit is a fucking gem. "All For Love" is melodic and has a hilarious, early 90's music video. I am only slightly surprised that this album was RIAA certified Platinum 3x and produced five, Top-20 hits.  I am not a lover of boy-bands by any means, but Color Me Badd has my vote for "Biggest Odd-Ball Boy-Band Of All Time."  The Odd-Ball factor alone, makes them my favorite boy-band. Any boy-band that has a guy who looks like Larry from the Three Stooges and a 5'6" graduate from the 'George Michael School of Handsomeness' that may or may not be 45-years old, I love. Some people might say: "Brandon, you dumb, goofy bastard! These are gorgeous men. They can probably sing like angels too, but I wouldn't know, because all I can focus on is their 'Greek God' sexiness, sincerity and high-quality, slippery-floor dance moves." Other people, like my...

It was a cool, breezy, Summer day in June of 1994. The temperature was a pleasant 82 degrees. This day presented the perfect conditions for baitin' up a hook with a plump and juicy earth-worm...or a night-crawler or some green worms or any other number of dirt-dwelling invertebrates and casting a line into the muddy depths of the Bessie Tonka River. Hell, maybe if your Pop had been working extra shifts at the Carlyle Industries you just might have found yourself with a container full of stink-bait. And if he finally got that raise he'd been prayin' for at the church, you might have even woke up with some chicken liver next to your pillow accompanied by a nearly illegible note informing you: "I gotta work 19 hours t'dee so you go on an' get some fishin' in. Don't fergitt!" A boy of twelve emerged onto Main Street from Larson's General Store with a Mountain Dew Big Slam in his right hand. His name was Murray Tinklewater. This is the life, tho...

Rank These Curtis Armstrong Movies: __ Risky Business __ Revenge of the Nerds __ Better Off Dead __ One Crazy Summer __ Revenge of the Nerds II Known Brandon Schlong Aliases:   - Harold Schlafli - Harold Richard Baker - Bob Donovan - Luigi Ponderosa - Rudy Bagelman - Maurice Lester - Tarkin Kott - Bird Billson - Ricky French What Is Your Favorite Brandon Schlong Dance Move?   1) The Super-Slow Running Man 2) The Checkerboard (AKA The Jiggler) 3) The Uncle Jim 4) The Burger Dance Do You Agree That Trick Questions Are For Shit?   A) Emerald B) Sapphire  C) Ruby  D) Garnet  Do This Right Now:   Count to ten as fast as you can,  using your best  James Hetfield voice  on the number ten.  Failed RATASS Gazette Business Ventures:   + Morning Dump Energy-Lax + 45 Degree Angle Shelves + 1-Sided Dice  Answer Key: * In order to get a Mantra you must speak Sanskrit. 

- Geddy Lee's first wife bought him a placard    that read  "Bless This Vest," along with a    99.99% Pure Silver Crucifix   for their first anniversary. - The band Ugly Kid Joe was formerly known as   "The Goof-Around Boys." - Glenn Danzig was credited as   "Assistant Music Consultant"   on  Sega CD's 1992 video-game   "The Secret of Monkey Island." - Vince Neil snorted cocaine out of   Sam Kinison's open palm one time. - Judas Priest's 1982 LP was originally titled   "Screaming For Vergeltungswaffe." - Lemmy Kilmister is a classically trained unicyclist. - During a visit to the Alamo,   Rikki Rockett urinated in the    toilet of the  men's room.   He then, thoroughly washed his hands   and rounded up his family. - Bon Jovi's David Bryan also plays   keyboards  for New Jersey's   "Sandwich Meat and the Strap-On Twins." - In 1987, Scott Ian was bri...

Brandon Schlong Prefers: A) SpaghettiOs Original B) SpaghettiOs w/Meatballs C) SpaghettiOs w/Franks D) Beenie Weenies Rank These Advertising Gurus: __ Ron Popeil __ Tony Little __ Billy Mays __ Richard Simmons How Do You Feel About This List? 1) Burgers 2) Bush 3) Moisture 4) Cyclops 5) Neptune 6) Nickel 7) Beaver 8) Shittin' 9) Leftover Meatloaf Who Says "Whoa!" The Best? A) Keanu Reeves (Bill & Ted) B) Joey Lawrence (Blossom) C) Mike Meyers (Wayne's World) Think About This: The night he thought the camera was rolling but it wasn't, and he just rocked out super-hardcore. It was desperate...just awful... What Do These Words Have To Do With Anything? 1) The Roller Den 2) Mr. Belvedere 3) Proctor/Police Acadamy 4) Slap Bracelets 5) Jack Tripper 6) Bodacious 7) Zack Morris 8) Dirty Hayride w/Naked Gravitron True Or False: Brandon Schlong invented the "Potato Chips as Chopsticks" concept.

Cyclotron + Plutocracy + Flop Sweat + MIRV + Merman + Carambola + Flying Saucer + Limburger + Saddle Horse + Loganberry + Fiddlesticks + Mustard Gas + Baronial + Roundhead + Rubella + Antidote + Thermal Pollution + Unbosom + Abatoir + Insalubrious + Ensnare + Acid Rain + Ill-Bred + Rosewater + Turncoat + Indomitable + Corpulent + Beat It, Rummy + Titan + Retro-Rocket+ Screamin' Meemies + Phrenology + Fairyland + Gormandizer + Laser Beam + Venus Fly-Trap + Harmonium + Maze + Aquanaut + Cryptogram + Plebian + Gramophone + Knout + ICBM + Anglophobe + Demoralize + Tong + No Shave Beach + Rook + Encode + Tincture + Technocracy + Beaver Hunt + Nebulous + Rogue + Spindly + Flying Fish + Pyrrhic + Merrymaking + Vampire Bat + Cytoplasm + Sobriquet + Fuel Cell + Water Course + Geomagnetic + Bible Water + Bagel Bender + Genetically Modified Man-Beast + Neptunium + Oubliette + Frogman + Solar Collector + Frolicsome + Lodestone + Speakeasy + Neutron Bomb + Mexican Jumping Beans + Photosphere + ...

- Alice Cooper drinks a tall glass of    ice-water  then shouts, "Let's Rock!"    into a mirror  before hitting the stage. - Klaus Meine was the tallest kid in his class. - Neil Young played harmonica on    Venom's "Black Metal." - Michael Anthony often substitutes    his  live concert "Bass Solo"    with a "High-Alto Solo." - Vinnie Paul's drum stool has a built in    drainage pipe, with replaceable    1-time-use seat covers and a    Barbecue Sauce  Stick-Dippin' Drum. - Oderous Urungus builds model    Space-Ships on cocaine, as a hobby. - Blackie Lawless prepared a    Pineapple  Upside-Down Cake on    Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood one time. - Paul Stanley's original, vocal intro to    KISS's "Heaven's On Fire" was    190 seconds  l ong.  - Matt Sorum titled his auto-biography    "Snare-To...

It's been a long, delicious journey for Candy-Boy Kyle He gobbles up candy, a lover of any style He'll dippity-dop his Lollipop He'll slappity-slip his Taffy Strip He has hockety-phlegm from his M&M's "You're gay!" they say As he deep-throats a Milky Way He'll dance down the lane With a hand on his Candy-Cane A gentle breeze from his fart Smells like a Sweet Tart The second skid-mark this month, he notes on his chart Candy-Boy Kyle will play for a while Blowing into a Strawberry Whistle It's quite a sight, when he sits for the night Pooping a Candy Missile He loves to suck Sour Balls And check all the bathroom stalls Searching for a leftover Caramel Cube He'll eat what he can find If it's on the floor, he doesn't mind He won't hesitate to swallow it down his tube His teeth are turning green From the Gummi Bears in between The meals he eats with sugar He skips to the store, to fill his belly up with more ...

  1) Screaming Into The Face Of Evil   2) Driving With My Eyes Closed   3) Diminutive Mountain-Top Screaming Man   4) Ritchie Blackmore Calls The Shots, Ronnie   5) Lil' Stinker   6) Cartwheeling Down The Stairs   7) Baby Shakin' Boogie   8) A Nice Quiet Chat With Ron   9) Bog-Land Bob And The Squeegie Boards 10) Heaven And Heaven 11) Anthony, Terence, Vincent and Ronald

1) The Magic Mullet Theory 2) False Flaggin' With Bilbo Baggins 3) Martial Law Is A Good Thing, Right? 4) Koko B. Ware Examines Agenda 21 5) Oh, For Fuck's Sake: More About Building 7 6) There's Like, Bunkers And Shit Under The Denver Airport 7) Wait A Second...Jesus Was A Jew? 8) Some Nerd Talking About FEMA Camps 9) You'll Be Begging For Chemtrails     After The Sun Melts The Skin     Off Your Fucking Face

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...