THE RATASS GAZETTE

Random Thoughts:  Released on the album "C.M.B." in 1991, this #1 hit is a fucking gem. "All For Love" is melodic and has a hilarious, early 90's music video. I am only slightly surprised that this album was RIAA certified Platinum 3x and produced five, Top-20 hits.  I am not a lover of boy-bands by any means, but Color Me Badd has my vote for "Biggest Odd-Ball Boy-Band Of All Time."  The Odd-Ball factor alone, makes them my favorite boy-band. Any boy-band that has a guy who looks like Larry from the Three Stooges and a 5'6" graduate from the 'George Michael School of Handsomeness' that may or may not be 45-years old, I love. Some people might say: "Brandon, you dumb, goofy bastard! These are gorgeous men. They can probably sing like angels too, but I wouldn't know, because all I can focus on is their 'Greek God' sexiness, sincerity and high-quality, slippery-floor dance moves." Other people, like my...

- Geddy Lee's first wife bought him a placard    that read  "Bless This Vest," along with a    99.99% Pure Silver Crucifix   for their first anniversary. - The band Ugly Kid Joe was formerly known as   "The Goof-Around Boys." - Glenn Danzig was credited as   "Assistant Music Consultant"   on  Sega CD's 1992 video-game   "The Secret of Monkey Island." - Vince Neil snorted cocaine out of   Sam Kinison's open palm one time. - Judas Priest's 1982 LP was originally titled   "Screaming For Vergeltungswaffe." - Lemmy Kilmister is a classically trained unicyclist. - During a visit to the Alamo,   Rikki Rockett urinated in the    toilet of the  men's room.   He then, thoroughly washed his hands   and rounded up his family. - Bon Jovi's David Bryan also plays   keyboards  for New Jersey's   "Sandwich Meat and the Strap-On Twins." - In 1987, Scott Ian was bri...

Brandon Schlong Prefers: A) SpaghettiOs Original B) SpaghettiOs w/Meatballs C) SpaghettiOs w/Franks D) Beenie Weenies Rank These Advertising Gurus: __ Ron Popeil __ Tony Little __ Billy Mays __ Richard Simmons How Do You Feel About This List? 1) Burgers 2) Bush 3) Moisture 4) Cyclops 5) Neptune 6) Nickel 7) Beaver 8) Shittin' 9) Leftover Meatloaf Who Says "Whoa!" The Best? A) Keanu Reeves (Bill & Ted) B) Joey Lawrence (Blossom) C) Mike Meyers (Wayne's World) Think About This: The night he thought the camera was rolling but it wasn't, and he just rocked out super-hardcore. It was desperate...just awful... What Do These Words Have To Do With Anything? 1) The Roller Den 2) Mr. Belvedere 3) Proctor/Police Acadamy 4) Slap Bracelets 5) Jack Tripper 6) Bodacious 7) Zack Morris 8) Dirty Hayride w/Naked Gravitron True Or False: Brandon Schlong invented the "Potato Chips as Chopsticks" concept.

- Alice Cooper drinks a tall glass of    ice-water  then shouts, "Let's Rock!"    into a mirror  before hitting the stage. - Klaus Meine was the tallest kid in his class. - Neil Young played harmonica on    Venom's "Black Metal." - Michael Anthony often substitutes    his  live concert "Bass Solo"    with a "High-Alto Solo." - Vinnie Paul's drum stool has a built in    drainage pipe, with replaceable    1-time-use seat covers and a    Barbecue Sauce  Stick-Dippin' Drum. - Oderous Urungus builds model    Space-Ships on cocaine, as a hobby. - Blackie Lawless prepared a    Pineapple  Upside-Down Cake on    Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood one time. - Paul Stanley's original, vocal intro to    KISS's "Heaven's On Fire" was    190 seconds  l ong.  - Matt Sorum titled his auto-biography    "Snare-To...

It's been a long, delicious journey for Candy-Boy Kyle He gobbles up candy, a lover of any style He'll dippity-dop his Lollipop He'll slappity-slip his Taffy Strip He has hockety-phlegm from his M&M's "You're gay!" they say As he deep-throats a Milky Way He'll dance down the lane With a hand on his Candy-Cane A gentle breeze from his fart Smells like a Sweet Tart The second skid-mark this month, he notes on his chart Candy-Boy Kyle will play for a while Blowing into a Strawberry Whistle It's quite a sight, when he sits for the night Pooping a Candy Missile He loves to suck Sour Balls And check all the bathroom stalls Searching for a leftover Caramel Cube He'll eat what he can find If it's on the floor, he doesn't mind He won't hesitate to swallow it down his tube His teeth are turning green From the Gummi Bears in between The meals he eats with sugar He skips to the store, to fill his belly up with more ...

  1) Screaming Into The Face Of Evil   2) Driving With My Eyes Closed   3) Diminutive Mountain-Top Screaming Man   4) Ritchie Blackmore Calls The Shots, Ronnie   5) Lil' Stinker   6) Cartwheeling Down The Stairs   7) Baby Shakin' Boogie   8) A Nice Quiet Chat With Ron   9) Bog-Land Bob And The Squeegie Boards 10) Heaven And Heaven 11) Anthony, Terence, Vincent and Ronald

1) The Magic Mullet Theory 2) False Flaggin' With Bilbo Baggins 3) Martial Law Is A Good Thing, Right? 4) Koko B. Ware Examines Agenda 21 5) Oh, For Fuck's Sake: More About Building 7 6) There's Like, Bunkers And Shit Under The Denver Airport 7) Wait A Second...Jesus Was A Jew? 8) Some Nerd Talking About FEMA Camps 9) You'll Be Begging For Chemtrails     After The Sun Melts The Skin     Off Your Fucking Face

  1) Woke Up In A Corn-Bin   2) Wiener Caught In Elevator Door   3) Michael J. Fox Car-Hood Slide Into Side Of Building   4) Trapped In Washing Machine   5) Fainted Back wards At Top Of Staircase   6) Lung Crys talliz ation/Perforated Septum    7) Lightbulb Fused To Scrotum   8) Flipped Lawnmower   9) Pinned Between Toilet And Wall 10) Had Seizure When Using Microwave 11) Depressed After Waving To Crossing Guard 12) Was Second Day Of Job 

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-...

1)  The Vanishing Tourist 2)  Severed Vulva: House of Laughs 3)  Richard Ramirez Midnight Fun-Run 4)  Bobbing For Helmets 5)  Drunken, Abusive Step-Father: The Ride 6)  The Anus of Terror 7)  10,000 Screaming Indians 8)  Farmer Mouthmilker's Buttery Bun Spreader 9)  HAARP Apocalypse

Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak Lily of the Valley Garden Terrace Plaza Arena Hick Creek, WI December 31, 2012 Vox: Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar: Nectar Jigsaw Bass: Cig Lathe Keyboards: "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums:  Sammy "The Train-Wreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass:  Terry Ladle Venue Capacity:   4,500 Crowd Attendance: 550 Time: 11:45 pm Rating:   90 stars, +4 Lightning, +4 Ice, +3 Fire From what I caught at the bar: "I'm gonna slow things dowwwnn-uuuuhhhh !" screamed Crazy the Wildman.   Crazy, who was visibly exhausted already after two songs, plopped down on his 'Gallagher-esque couch prop.'   "I'm gonna introduce y'all out there to the rest of the guys that make 'Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak' rock so badly!" coughed Crazy. (Applause) "And by badly...I mean goodly!" (Thunderous Applause) "On lead guitar...I said leeeeeeeed guitar, we've got the phil...

2013 Biggest Ass-Kicker w/Skinniest Arms  Award (AKA Steve Wilkos Trophy)        Corey Lipper, 48      Beaver Dam, WI    6'4"  290lbs  12" Biceps     Signature Move:  Double-Fisted-Jump-Kick     Signature Line:   "Anybody else gonna fuck w'me ?"     Signature Drink:   Old Style in a can         Personal Credo: If ya fuck with her, yer fuckin' with me.         Hobbies:   Wood Choppin', Wood Haulin', Wood Pilin', Wood Burnin'     Favorite Holiday:   Goddamn Fourth of July     Favorite Movie:   Born on the Goddamn Fourth of July         Corey Lipper's 2012 Stats:    - 93 Fist Clubbings    - 79 Aggressive Chest Pushes     - 70 Bar Stool Throwings    - 66 Kettle Drummings    - 62 Windpipe Stompings ...

1) Trampoline on the Slope 2) The Spinal Re-Organizer 3) Boners of the Midwest: Sightseeing Tour 4) Hong Kong Torture Boat 5) Assassin's Target 6) Jar of Snakes: Kiddie Koin Grab 7) The Baloney Grinder 8) Sulfur Haus of Hell 9) Camp Tittybutthole

Crazy the Wildman  W/Dummyfreak Vox : Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar : Nectar Jigsaw Bass : Cig Lathe Keyboards : "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums : Sammy "The Trainwreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass : Terry Ladle (Interviewed by: Brandon Schlong)      (Tape Begins) Brandon Schlong:  (Wisconsin sounding) So, do you think about dying, ever? Crazy the Wildman:  (In a boorish, Cockney accent) Well, you see...to me...dying is like...uh, a part of religion, right?  Right.  Dying is like, a part  of the end of my mortal being.  And, thinking about religion makes me think of where we came from, or rather...uh, the way I  think about it is more...uh, like...instead of where we came from...right.  It's like, where are we going? What are we going to evolve into?  What galaxy  are we... Brandon Schlong:   I'm just gonna cut you off right there.  I know you're a rock-star and you're just waiting  ...

Whether it's tomorrow, or Goddamn ten years from now, I want to see some fucked-up hippie in a laundry room, in the middle of the night, playing the lint-trap from the dryer like a Goddamn tambourine. I want to behold a Madison-Square-Garden-Ian-Anderson-From-Jethro-Tull-Gauge-Performance on this fucking lint-trap.  Rapid wrist expertise and hip-pounding fury, responding to an unheard, metal-symphony that exists only in this freak's theoretically, unobserved womb of a Laundro-Mat concert stage. A theatrical demonstration with two parts Flamboyance and nine parts S avagery . Whether it's the apartment complex's laundry facilities or the neighborhood "Fluff and Fold," I want to see this Witching Hour, faux-musical tirade that borders on silent, head-banging lunacy. I know Goddamn well, this guy is out there.  Somewhere in the Ether-Sphere this guy lives...he's rocking hard and kicking ass...somewhere.  A manifestation of Pomp and Bravura  that need...