Sometimes you can tell a book is bad just by reading a paragraph or two. Sometimes you'll stick out 100 dull pages in the hopes that the book will get interesting about halfway through, but the book never gets good (yep, I'm looking right at you, Robert Ludlum's The Sigma Protocol).
So I'm here to save everyone a lot of valuable time. In this space I'll give you an excerpt of a book that sucks, give reasons why it sucks, and try to convince you not to waste your time.
This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote a while ago, called The Juiced Mug. As you can tell by just this little bit, the story is pure garbage.
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From The Juiced Mug, by Nate Spade...
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ANALYSIS: Obviously, the story sounds stupid and not worth your time. The premise of a boy named Charlie who has a dog and a turtle in the desert sounds like a shitty idea, and it was. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this piece of trash. Just be glad you didn't waste more of your life reading this drivel. Here are some reasons why you'd have to be a dumb ass to want to read the rest of this story:
BOTTOM LINE: If you want to read something worthwhile, pick up a copy of Robert Ludlum's The Janson Directive. If you want to read a pile of shit, read The Juiced Mug. I should know, I wrote it.
So I'm here to save everyone a lot of valuable time. In this space I'll give you an excerpt of a book that sucks, give reasons why it sucks, and try to convince you not to waste your time.
This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote a while ago, called The Juiced Mug. As you can tell by just this little bit, the story is pure garbage.
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From The Juiced Mug, by Nate Spade...
"They think they can take away Munch Munch?" Charlie shouted as he clenched the revolver in his sweaty hands. "Them fuckers can go to HELL!"
Wind blew sand across the desert floor and Charlie shielded his face with his sun burnt arm. He knelt down next to Munch Munch, his beloved dog, who lay bleeding from the bullet wound in his abdomen. Misty, his three-legged turtle, stared at the pair with a big dopey grin on his face like he always did.
"This ain't right, Misty! THIS SHIT AIN'T RIGHT, MISTY!" Tears now flowed from Charlie's eyes as he cradled Munch Munch's dying body in his left arm, the revolver still in his right. Misty looked up at Charlie with that big dopey grin.
"I'm trying, Misty." Charlie trembled as he spoke. The red dot of the fading desert sun reflected in the tears down his face. A black bird soared overhead. "God damn it... I'm trying."
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ANALYSIS: Obviously, the story sounds stupid and not worth your time. The premise of a boy named Charlie who has a dog and a turtle in the desert sounds like a shitty idea, and it was. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this piece of trash. Just be glad you didn't waste more of your life reading this drivel. Here are some reasons why you'd have to be a dumb ass to want to read the rest of this story:
- Who shot Charlie's dog, Munch Munch? Who the hell cares? Stories involving a boy and his dog are a dime a dozen, and this one is nothing special. Munch Munch is obviously a "cutesie" name created to increase the appearance of "cutesie-ness", and Charlie is a totally unoriginal name for a protagonist. Weak characters, weak backgrounds (Charlie was, surprise, a top notch marksman as a child growing up), and just an all around shitty plot.
- What are they doing in the desert? I won't to bore you with the whole story, but it involves a generous beggar and an improbable spontaneous horse chase. Sounds stupid? It was.
- What's Charlie doing with a gun? He grew up a sharp-shooter at "the academy" but had a strict dad... yada yada yada... he ended up acquiring a revolver from a friend who owed him a favor. Unfortunately, this weak (and insignificant) back story is drawn out for 15 mind-numbingly boring pages featuring characters named Uncle Jeff Jeff and Jake Ronco. I'm telling you right now, throw this book in your shitter and flush it.
- What the fuck is up with the three-legged turtle? I know, right?! It's just like, a three-legged turtle. Misty, the three-legged turtle. It's never revealed in the story how Charlie met Misty, or why he keeps him around in the desert, or how the turtle lost it's fourth leg. All it ever says about Misty is that he looks at Charlie with that big dopey grin on his face... like he always did. Just a lame character all around.
- Does Munch Munch die? Believe it or not, we will never know the answer to this. Why not? Because the book ends right after this scene. Nothing is explained, loose ends are not tied up (including the mystery of the kidnapped bride). What a shitty way to end the book! I'm telling you, this story is terrible!
BOTTOM LINE: If you want to read something worthwhile, pick up a copy of Robert Ludlum's The Janson Directive. If you want to read a pile of shit, read The Juiced Mug. I should know, I wrote it.
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