THE RATASS GAZETTE

It was a cool, breezy, Summer day in June of 1994. The temperature was a pleasant 82 degrees. This day presented the perfect conditions for baitin' up a hook with a plump and juicy earth-worm...or a night-crawler or some green worms or any other number of dirt-dwelling invertebrates and casting a line into the muddy depths of the Bessie Tonka River. Hell, maybe if your Pop had been working extra shifts at the Carlyle Industries you just might have found yourself with a container full of stink-bait. And if he finally got that raise he'd been prayin' for at the church, you might have even woke up with some chicken liver next to your pillow accompanied by a nearly illegible note informing you: "I gotta work 19 hours t'dee so you go on an' get some fishin' in. Don't fergitt!" A boy of twelve emerged onto Main Street from Larson's General Store with a Mountain Dew Big Slam in his right hand. His name was Murray Tinklewater. This is the life, tho...

  1) Woke Up In A Corn-Bin   2) Wiener Caught In Elevator Door   3) Michael J. Fox Car-Hood Slide Into Side Of Building   4) Trapped In Washing Machine   5) Fainted Back wards At Top Of Staircase   6) Lung Crys talliz ation/Perforated Septum    7) Lightbulb Fused To Scrotum   8) Flipped Lawnmower   9) Pinned Between Toilet And Wall 10) Had Seizure When Using Microwave 11) Depressed After Waving To Crossing Guard 12) Was Second Day Of Job 

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-...

1)  The Vanishing Tourist 2)  Severed Vulva: House of Laughs 3)  Richard Ramirez Midnight Fun-Run 4)  Bobbing For Helmets 5)  Drunken, Abusive Step-Father: The Ride 6)  The Anus of Terror 7)  10,000 Screaming Indians 8)  Farmer Mouthmilker's Buttery Bun Spreader 9)  HAARP Apocalypse

2013 Biggest Ass-Kicker w/Skinniest Arms  Award (AKA Steve Wilkos Trophy)        Corey Lipper, 48      Beaver Dam, WI    6'4"  290lbs  12" Biceps     Signature Move:  Double-Fisted-Jump-Kick     Signature Line:   "Anybody else gonna fuck w'me ?"     Signature Drink:   Old Style in a can         Personal Credo: If ya fuck with her, yer fuckin' with me.         Hobbies:   Wood Choppin', Wood Haulin', Wood Pilin', Wood Burnin'     Favorite Holiday:   Goddamn Fourth of July     Favorite Movie:   Born on the Goddamn Fourth of July         Corey Lipper's 2012 Stats:    - 93 Fist Clubbings    - 79 Aggressive Chest Pushes     - 70 Bar Stool Throwings    - 66 Kettle Drummings    - 62 Windpipe Stompings ...

Whether it's tomorrow, or Goddamn ten years from now, I want to see some fucked-up hippie in a laundry room, in the middle of the night, playing the lint-trap from the dryer like a Goddamn tambourine. I want to behold a Madison-Square-Garden-Ian-Anderson-From-Jethro-Tull-Gauge-Performance on this fucking lint-trap.  Rapid wrist expertise and hip-pounding fury, responding to an unheard, metal-symphony that exists only in this freak's theoretically, unobserved womb of a Laundro-Mat concert stage. A theatrical demonstration with two parts Flamboyance and nine parts S avagery . Whether it's the apartment complex's laundry facilities or the neighborhood "Fluff and Fold," I want to see this Witching Hour, faux-musical tirade that borders on silent, head-banging lunacy. I know Goddamn well, this guy is out there.  Somewhere in the Ether-Sphere this guy lives...he's rocking hard and kicking ass...somewhere.  A manifestation of Pomp and Bravura  that need...

     1.  The Windmill      2.  The Early-Release Reverse Windmill      3.  The Distance Bullet      4.  The Casual Near-Miss       5.  The Jenny Hanson Free-Throw

Written By: Brandon Schlong Copyright 2013 Reubenickenobickle You’ll never guess who I bumped into this morning. Nope, nope.  He actually moved back to upstate Warshington I guess, sheeit… Musta been two years ago.  Was it two years ago…? Hadta been cos’, I remember he helped me feed the heifers the morning of Patrick’s birthday. First frost of the year that very same mornin’ come to think of it. Oh, sure! Their daughter Bridgette, runnin’ round a-peein-and-a-poopin ever’ where. I can tell you for Goddamn  sure, that he and Kathy had never been happier. Anyway, it was shorely just a brush-stroke of luck who I… No, it wasn’t her either. Her son died , ya know? Ugh, and it was just so Goddamn messy ! She still wanted an open casket and boy, oh boy…old Hard-nosed Hilda Bickered and fought with Reverend Donaldson till the very last minute. No, they didn’t. Hell, they couldn’t have all them school kids seein’ him the way he looke...

You know, he's the guy who can snare the ladies.  Some loser teaching other losers how to appropriately approach some tender-little-shaver in some hipster beer parlor.  The night ending with you eventually staggering up the road with her, to your sparsely furnished stink-chamber of an apartment to give her the old "Brown Madam."   "Home sweet Hell," you'll say as you dead-bolt the door and accidentally hit your forehead on the door knob as you take off your Spalding's.   This is the guy that understands  the ladies.  This is the dick-head who can identify the needs and moods of all  the ladies, and if you listen to his Abigail Van Buren-like sage wisdom you'll never hear the phrase,  "You smell like poop," again. This line will be spoken of course, by a visibly-uncomfortable-previously-laughing-just-a-minute-ago-girl-but-now-feeling-nauseated-and-frightened-and-wanting-to-immediately-leave-and-move-out-of-town-never-to-return-from-the...