THE RATASS GAZETTE

Hi, yourself. Jerk.  Oh? You didn't realize I have been up for hours working on my computer stuff?  I was sitting there in my room. I was trying to concentrate...okay?  I maximize my time. Maximize . Maximization, shit-head. Uh, yes. I do know what that fucking word means. Taking care of business , that's what it fucking means. Look it up, Billy. Pfft... Billy ...what are you, a fucking 7 year-old?  A God-Damned, 33 year-old " man " named Billy ... Either way, it's something you wouldn't even know about... You don't need to "Google" anything, asshole. What the fuck are you doing anyway? Making a fucking mess , it looks like.  No...seriously...go right on ahead...let's use the paper-towels that I bought. Wiping up butchered, animal meat and blood...why not?  Remember, I'm just a fucking vegetarian .  You know, completely opposed to the cruel living conditions And the insanely, inhumane treatment of animals...

Random Notes: 'Don't Stop Me Now' is the best Queen song ever recorded... Very few people agree with me. "Fucking Bohemian Rhapsody, brah! It's fucking Bohemian Rhapsody! That's the number one! I'll fucking waste you!!! Your ass is grass, dude! Eat shit and die, queer-bait! Rrrrrhhaaapsssoddddeeeeeee-luh!!!" some idiots might spit out. I am biased because it is my favorite Queen song. It was reportedly written by Freddie Mercury floating naked in his bath-tub probably eyeballs deep in filthy bath-water...high on cocaine and thinking about dudes. Reportedly...? My Aunt Helen !!! Am I right, folks?  That story is real...   Or, maybe it's completely fabricated. Maybe, I'm confusing that story with some other shit. Maybe, I'm so effed up, I wouldn't know the difference between a toilet and my dinner-plate. Maybe, at a Mexican-person party they throw flour tortillas into the air and shoot guns at them for some rea...

A zombie Dipsomaniac co-habitated with the rusty-haired virgin A cosmic inferno of Lechery  Mutation of the human psyche caused him violent erections... And full-color sensations The Labyrinth of Illicit Sex Acts aroused A Madman compulsion to shave her genitalia The Symbolism of Her as hairless She unfolded her legs for my lubricated aphrodisiac  The flourishing fireball manually deleted She gripped me tighter... I am elongated as my tongue separated her lips  Surreal hysteria as she thrusts her hips Chest to chest, Magnetically attracted  Our Energy Field is oiled with flavored sex Our bodies inter-locked and greasy I am fully engorged and inserted The vacuum of Electricity peaking... The Alpha Male Syndrome My fantasy dwindling  As the mundane Glow of a flickering candle burns Ultra-Violet My urges neutralized Adrenaline traveling limply throughout my nervous system Serpentine scents overwhelmed my Martian Identity Withdrawl symptoms a...

Random Thoughts:  Released on the album "C.M.B." in 1991, this #1 hit is a fucking gem. "All For Love" is melodic and has a hilarious, early 90's music video. I am only slightly surprised that this album was RIAA certified Platinum 3x and produced five, Top-20 hits.  I am not a lover of boy-bands by any means, but Color Me Badd has my vote for "Biggest Odd-Ball Boy-Band Of All Time."  The Odd-Ball factor alone, makes them my favorite boy-band. Any boy-band that has a guy who looks like Larry from the Three Stooges and a 5'6" graduate from the 'George Michael School of Handsomeness' that may or may not be 45-years old, I love. Some people might say: "Brandon, you dumb, goofy bastard! These are gorgeous men. They can probably sing like angels too, but I wouldn't know, because all I can focus on is their 'Greek God' sexiness, sincerity and high-quality, slippery-floor dance moves." Other people, like my...

It was a cool, breezy, Summer day in June of 1994. The temperature was a pleasant 82 degrees. This day presented the perfect conditions for baitin' up a hook with a plump and juicy earth-worm...or a night-crawler or some green worms or any other number of dirt-dwelling invertebrates and casting a line into the muddy depths of the Bessie Tonka River. Hell, maybe if your Pop had been working extra shifts at the Carlyle Industries you just might have found yourself with a container full of stink-bait. And if he finally got that raise he'd been prayin' for at the church, you might have even woke up with some chicken liver next to your pillow accompanied by a nearly illegible note informing you: "I gotta work 19 hours t'dee so you go on an' get some fishin' in. Don't fergitt!" A boy of twelve emerged onto Main Street from Larson's General Store with a Mountain Dew Big Slam in his right hand. His name was Murray Tinklewater. This is the life, tho...

Rank These Curtis Armstrong Movies: __ Risky Business __ Revenge of the Nerds __ Better Off Dead __ One Crazy Summer __ Revenge of the Nerds II Known Brandon Schlong Aliases:   - Harold Schlafli - Harold Richard Baker - Bob Donovan - Luigi Ponderosa - Rudy Bagelman - Maurice Lester - Tarkin Kott - Bird Billson - Ricky French What Is Your Favorite Brandon Schlong Dance Move?   1) The Super-Slow Running Man 2) The Checkerboard (AKA The Jiggler) 3) The Uncle Jim 4) The Burger Dance Do You Agree That Trick Questions Are For Shit?   A) Emerald B) Sapphire  C) Ruby  D) Garnet  Do This Right Now:   Count to ten as fast as you can,  using your best  James Hetfield voice  on the number ten.  Failed RATASS Gazette Business Ventures:   + Morning Dump Energy-Lax + 45 Degree Angle Shelves + 1-Sided Dice  Answer Key: * In order to get a Mantra you must speak Sanskrit. 

Skulls and Cross-bones smile like an armband boisterously A brainwashing formula I have yet to discover leaves me grizzled With Spectral Illusions and dilated pupils  The liquor is calling out to me again I don't even fancy a drink Emesis Volcano with Oriental Eyes A liberating vision, A spiritual Earthquake My armor is like Tempered Steel An Atomic surge, similar to Treason Purges the once permanent contaminations My temples pulsed with purple veins  As I penetrated the Blood-Thirsty Dungeon I deciphered the hidden literature And dealt with razor-sharp abdominal pains The Blood is back...I can feel it The cigarettes lay idle next to an old fashioned typewriter My fists balled... Celebrated aspirin ingested, my cerebral functions decline A mad-house Collapse What have I done to myself? Who is it that listens increasingly interested to my misfortunes? A Tsunami of Belligerence, Immaculate and Super-Charged Echoed in Nightmare-Land,...

- Geddy Lee's first wife bought him a placard    that read  "Bless This Vest," along with a    99.99% Pure Silver Crucifix   for their first anniversary. - The band Ugly Kid Joe was formerly known as   "The Goof-Around Boys." - Glenn Danzig was credited as   "Assistant Music Consultant"   on  Sega CD's 1992 video-game   "The Secret of Monkey Island." - Vince Neil snorted cocaine out of   Sam Kinison's open palm one time. - Judas Priest's 1982 LP was originally titled   "Screaming For Vergeltungswaffe." - Lemmy Kilmister is a classically trained unicyclist. - During a visit to the Alamo,   Rikki Rockett urinated in the    toilet of the  men's room.   He then, thoroughly washed his hands   and rounded up his family. - Bon Jovi's David Bryan also plays   keyboards  for New Jersey's   "Sandwich Meat and the Strap-On Twins." - In 1987, Scott Ian was bri...

Brandon Schlong Prefers: A) SpaghettiOs Original B) SpaghettiOs w/Meatballs C) SpaghettiOs w/Franks D) Beenie Weenies Rank These Advertising Gurus: __ Ron Popeil __ Tony Little __ Billy Mays __ Richard Simmons How Do You Feel About This List? 1) Burgers 2) Bush 3) Moisture 4) Cyclops 5) Neptune 6) Nickel 7) Beaver 8) Shittin' 9) Leftover Meatloaf Who Says "Whoa!" The Best? A) Keanu Reeves (Bill & Ted) B) Joey Lawrence (Blossom) C) Mike Meyers (Wayne's World) Think About This: The night he thought the camera was rolling but it wasn't, and he just rocked out super-hardcore. It was desperate...just awful... What Do These Words Have To Do With Anything? 1) The Roller Den 2) Mr. Belvedere 3) Proctor/Police Acadamy 4) Slap Bracelets 5) Jack Tripper 6) Bodacious 7) Zack Morris 8) Dirty Hayride w/Naked Gravitron True Or False: Brandon Schlong invented the "Potato Chips as Chopsticks" concept.