THE RATASS GAZETTE

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: 10/12-15, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe The gentle crackle of the smoldering logs That lie deep in the fire-pit before me  Composes a faltering, off-beat melody That I cannot seem to recall. Under the influence of a steady wind (And a tropical storm that has darkened the Earth) The Netherworld Musicians quicken their pace. Ritualistic Jungle-Barbarians ward off all sources of Evil By unleashing their frenzied, systematic incantations  To the God of Energy. To pronounce this amoral God’s name One would have to remove one’s own colon And squeeze the organ from one end to the opposite. The slobbery, phlegmy noise that is spat  Out of the dripping, human bung-holder  Is the actual name. It is a name reserved for Immortals With all-enlightening powers. A guttural chant that suddenly And with absolute-focus-devotion to this Mutant-Mind-Voyeur Molecule-Vertigo-D...

Artist: Motley Crue   Album: Shout at the Devil Year: 1983  TRACK LISTING... 1. In the Beginning 2. Shout at the Devil  3. Looks That Kill 4. Bastard 5. God Bless the Children of the Beast 6. Helter Skelter 7. Red Hot 8. Too Young to Fall in Love 9. Knock 'Em Dead, Kid  10. Ten Seconds to Love 11. Danger  RANDOM THOUGHTS...  This album rocks pretty much all the way through. "Shout at the Devil", "Looks That Kill", and "Bastard" set the tone right off the bat with big guitar riffs, heavy drums, and screaming vocals: These are kick-ass rock songs. ... I love Mick Mars' guitar tone on this record. He's got that grinding saw-like distortion going on, it's awesome. I don't care what anybody else says, Mick Mars rocks and always has. ... I'm not a big fan of the "Helter Skelter" cover found here. I didn't really like the original Beatles version, either, so there ya go. Tracks 5 and 6 are probably skip-...

  1) Woke Up In A Corn-Bin   2) Wiener Caught In Elevator Door   3) Michael J. Fox Car-Hood Slide Into Side Of Building   4) Trapped In Washing Machine   5) Fainted Back wards At Top Of Staircase   6) Lung Crys talliz ation/Perforated Septum    7) Lightbulb Fused To Scrotum   8) Flipped Lawnmower   9) Pinned Between Toilet And Wall 10) Had Seizure When Using Microwave 11) Depressed After Waving To Crossing Guard 12) Was Second Day Of Job 

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: Wee hours of the morn Nov. 28, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe What the Goddamn-hell d’ya mean ? Of course, I did!  Like, fuckin’ three, four hours! Jeez-uss Harold Christ on the Shitter! W-w-w-w-w-what the shit is this, anyways? Of course!  I’m Goddamn great! I already told you…like three hours! Yeah? Well, I ain’t Goddamn lyin’ about this ! What the fuck is with all the looks yer givin’ me? Hey, there!  Mr.  Tollackson!  Hey, Larry! Yeah, my wife here thi… Yes, good morning Stephanie. Larr ...!  Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Yes…yes…yes, indeedee-o. You and Larry off to the vineyards this weekend? Beautiful... Excuse me, please…Steph…Larry… You better Goddamn not start walkin’ away again! Y…?  Yeah! Seems it must be opening night of: "Inquisition By The Davenport.” The latest comedy by Arthur Dickerson, Cause you’re  fuckin’ laughin’...

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-...

1)  The Vanishing Tourist 2)  Severed Vulva: House of Laughs 3)  Richard Ramirez Midnight Fun-Run 4)  Bobbing For Helmets 5)  Drunken, Abusive Step-Father: The Ride 6)  The Anus of Terror 7)  10,000 Screaming Indians 8)  Farmer Mouthmilker's Buttery Bun Spreader 9)  HAARP Apocalypse

Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak Lily of the Valley Garden Terrace Plaza Arena Hick Creek, WI December 31, 2012 Vox: Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar: Nectar Jigsaw Bass: Cig Lathe Keyboards: "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums:  Sammy "The Train-Wreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass:  Terry Ladle Venue Capacity:   4,500 Crowd Attendance: 550 Time: 11:45 pm Rating:   90 stars, +4 Lightning, +4 Ice, +3 Fire From what I caught at the bar: "I'm gonna slow things dowwwnn-uuuuhhhh !" screamed Crazy the Wildman.   Crazy, who was visibly exhausted already after two songs, plopped down on his 'Gallagher-esque couch prop.'   "I'm gonna introduce y'all out there to the rest of the guys that make 'Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak' rock so badly!" coughed Crazy. (Applause) "And by badly...I mean goodly!" (Thunderous Applause) "On lead guitar...I said leeeeeeeed guitar, we've got the phil...

2013 Biggest Ass-Kicker w/Skinniest Arms  Award (AKA Steve Wilkos Trophy)        Corey Lipper, 48      Beaver Dam, WI    6'4"  290lbs  12" Biceps     Signature Move:  Double-Fisted-Jump-Kick     Signature Line:   "Anybody else gonna fuck w'me ?"     Signature Drink:   Old Style in a can         Personal Credo: If ya fuck with her, yer fuckin' with me.         Hobbies:   Wood Choppin', Wood Haulin', Wood Pilin', Wood Burnin'     Favorite Holiday:   Goddamn Fourth of July     Favorite Movie:   Born on the Goddamn Fourth of July         Corey Lipper's 2012 Stats:    - 93 Fist Clubbings    - 79 Aggressive Chest Pushes     - 70 Bar Stool Throwings    - 66 Kettle Drummings    - 62 Windpipe Stompings ...

Previewing the 2013 NASCAR Season, which opened with Jimmie Johnson's victory in the Daytona 500...  Yee-haw! That there's a fast-drivin' car!  Hoo-boy, did y'all see that Daytoner race?! Dang, ol' Jimmie just wasn't gonna be beat. That's why he's the best, right there, boy. There some days he just ain't gonna be beat. Junior thought he was a-gonna win, so did The Little Lady , but they ain't. Because Jimmie said they ain't. That's all there was to it, boy. Now, I mean no disrespect to Jimmie, but I think this here is Matt 's year. Now again, I ain't never bad-mouthed Jimmie and I never will. I swear on my dear Aunt Mable's headstone that I ain't never said a bad word about Jimmie. But I'm tellin' ya, boy, this here is gonna be Matt's year.  Why? Well, for firstly, Matt's due. And for secondly, did you know he's got a new gas can man this year? He sure as shit does, my cousin Ernie told me ...

A track-by-track look back at Green Day's 2012 release ,  Uno!   UNO! - TRACK LISTING  1.  Nuclear Family - Solid choice to lead off the album, it's an up-tempo rocker that definitely "sounds like Green Day." It's catchy. I like catchy songs. Rating: 7.5*    2.  Stay the Night - This is my favorite song on the album. It reminds me of Kerplunk -era Green Day. Great melody, great chorus. An instant classic. This is one of their best songs off any album. Rating: 9.5  3. Carpe Diem - I have mixed feelings about this song. It's definitely catchy and fun to sing along to, but it's a little slower than I prefer and parts of it remind me of the song, "Suffocate," that appeared on their 2002 release,  Shenanigans . If I'd never heard "Suffocate" it's quite possible my entire perception of "Carpe Diem" would be different. Rating: 7.0    4.  Let Yourself Go - A straight-up rocker, this one gets going fast r...