He's old, he's jaded, he's a baseball scout. He thinks today's players aren't shit compared to Home Run Baker and Three-Finger Brown. He spews out so many old baseball names you're not sure if they're real or made up. He mentions obscure nicknames as if they're common knowledge. And more often than not, he'll start spinning a yarn about some guy he (supposedly) once saw rather than answer your original question.
Since the 2011 season ended, baseball's Hot Stove has been steaming. The Texas Rangers signed Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish, National League MVP Ryan Braun reportedly tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, and sluggers Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder changed teams.
So what does our Jaded Old Baseball Scout think about all this? Let's find out...
On Yu Darvish reportedly having 6 pitches in his repertoire...
" Shoot, that ain't nothin'. Me and [fellow jaded baseball scout and long-time drinking partner] Smitty once scouted a kid named Winky "The Mongoose" Munson that could throw 11 pitches. He's what you call Am-bee-dex-TAIR-us. Could throw 5 pitches with his right hand and 6 with his left. Once threw an Eephus pitch that made the Splendid Splinter piss in his nut cup.
Gyroball, pyroball, knuckle-ball, pinochle-ball, meatball, potato-ball... you name it that son of a bitch could hurl it. Had fingers like a ring-tailed lemur and an arm like a goddamn fire hose. Whoo-wee, that boy could really throw some junk... "
On Ryan Braun testing positive for PED's...
" Reminds me of a kid named Lenny Liebowitz. The Jumpin' Jew. Stronger than a moose in heat, that boy. Every time he took the field he was hopped up on so many goddamn greenies they had to shoot him up with a horse tranquilizer just so he wouldn't eat the batting donut. Scouts were all over him like shit on a bird bath. Saw him at [a pub named] Pissing Willies one night, offered to buy him a Michelob, and he punched my goddamn lights out. Yep, those were the days... "
On the big contracts signed by Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder...
" You call that money? Let me tell you somethin'... money ain't earned unless it's spent, and it ain't spent unless it's made. Learned that from "Big Time" Billy Gump back in 1972. He was the kid that signed a big fat contract before he played a single goddamn inning of baseball. No college, no high school, no Little League, nothin'. The kid just looked like a ball player, you know? Six-five, two-twenty... looked like a bronzed Larry Newman. He signed, played one game at Double-A, went 4 for 4, and spent the next sixteen years in serious intensive care. Found out later he was allergic to dirt, grass, baseline chalk and bubble gum. Son of a bitch, that kid could rake... "
Click here to read what our Jaded Old Baseball Scout said previously about Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg.
Since the 2011 season ended, baseball's Hot Stove has been steaming. The Texas Rangers signed Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish, National League MVP Ryan Braun reportedly tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, and sluggers Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder changed teams.
So what does our Jaded Old Baseball Scout think about all this? Let's find out...
" Me and Smitty once scouted a kid named Winky "The Mongoose" Munson that could throw 11 pitches. He's what you call Am-bee-dex-TAIR-us. "
On Yu Darvish reportedly having 6 pitches in his repertoire...
" Shoot, that ain't nothin'. Me and [fellow jaded baseball scout and long-time drinking partner] Smitty once scouted a kid named Winky "The Mongoose" Munson that could throw 11 pitches. He's what you call Am-bee-dex-TAIR-us. Could throw 5 pitches with his right hand and 6 with his left. Once threw an Eephus pitch that made the Splendid Splinter piss in his nut cup.
Gyroball, pyroball, knuckle-ball, pinochle-ball, meatball, potato-ball... you name it that son of a bitch could hurl it. Had fingers like a ring-tailed lemur and an arm like a goddamn fire hose. Whoo-wee, that boy could really throw some junk... "
" Scouts were all over him like shit on a bird bath. "
On Ryan Braun testing positive for PED's...
" Reminds me of a kid named Lenny Liebowitz. The Jumpin' Jew. Stronger than a moose in heat, that boy. Every time he took the field he was hopped up on so many goddamn greenies they had to shoot him up with a horse tranquilizer just so he wouldn't eat the batting donut. Scouts were all over him like shit on a bird bath. Saw him at [a pub named] Pissing Willies one night, offered to buy him a Michelob, and he punched my goddamn lights out. Yep, those were the days... "
On the big contracts signed by Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder...
" You call that money? Let me tell you somethin'... money ain't earned unless it's spent, and it ain't spent unless it's made. Learned that from "Big Time" Billy Gump back in 1972. He was the kid that signed a big fat contract before he played a single goddamn inning of baseball. No college, no high school, no Little League, nothin'. The kid just looked like a ball player, you know? Six-five, two-twenty... looked like a bronzed Larry Newman. He signed, played one game at Double-A, went 4 for 4, and spent the next sixteen years in serious intensive care. Found out later he was allergic to dirt, grass, baseline chalk and bubble gum. Son of a bitch, that kid could rake... "
Click here to read what our Jaded Old Baseball Scout said previously about Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg.
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