Brady vs. Eli

Well, Super Bowl Sunday is finally here, and it seems like everyone is rooting against Tom Brady.  Why? Good question.  Brady seems to be a humble guy who is beloved by his teammates.  But from the people I've talked to, people really seem to dislike the fact that he's good-looking, dates good-looking women, and his team wins every year (even though that also sounds a lot like Joe Montana, and people seem to love him).  Well, I'm here to defend Tom Brady because I like watching greatness and because I know he'd do the same for me.

I mean, really.  Would you rather see Eli Manning and the Giants win?  Seriously?  Well, if you're still not convinced after I threw a "really" and a "seriously" at you, here are some reasons why you should be rooting for Tom Brady to win Super Bowl XLVI...

Underdoggedness...

• Tom Brady was an unheralded 6th-round draft pick in 2000, only got a chance to play because Drew Bledsoe was injured, plays every season without top talent around him (the Patriots have never had a great running back and their best wide receivers didn't do jack squat when they played on other teams) and turned himself into (when all is said and done) the best quarterback in NFL history.
• Eli Manning has been given the benefit of the doubt his entire life because of his last name and was drafted #1 overall in 2004 (even though Philip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger had better college careers).  Oh, and before he even played a down in the NFL, Eli complained that he wouldn't play for the team that drafted him, the San Diego Chargers (even for millions of guaranteed dollars), and forced a trade to the New York Giants. 

Advantage: Brady

Humanitarianism...

• I heard Eli kicked a puppy on his way to work the other day.  Just fucking kicked it right in it's cute little face!  I have no way to prove that story is true, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if it was. 
• On the other hand, I heard Brady stopped to help a stranded motorist on the side of the road recently.  The car battery was dead and Brady didn't have jumper cables, so he recharged it with his power of his own positivity.  The motorist was back on the road in no time!  Again, I can't prove this story to be true, but I sure as shit believe it! 

Advantage: Brady

Namesake...

• The most famous Tom I can think of is Thomas Jefferson.  He was one of America's founding fathers, pretty much wrote the Declaration of Independence, and wore a marvelous wig. 
• The most famous Eli that comes to mind is Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin.  I have never drank cotton gin, but it sounds like it tastes very dry and terrible.

Advantage: Brady

Video Game Smarts and Skills...

• Rumor has it that when Eli Manning plays Super Mario 2 (on the original NES), he chooses to play with Mario because he's the most well-rounded character.  Can you believe that?!  Mario! You can't beat the game with Mario!  What an idiot! 
• Tom Brady, though, realizes that each character has their own special skill an applies that knowledge accordingly.  Luigi can jump the highest, Princess can jump the farthest, and Toad is the the fastest digger.  So Brady figures out what he needs done and chooses wisely.  Mario jumps like Woody Harrelson and pulls up plants like my grandma.

Advantage: Brady

Conclusion: Clearly you should be rooting for Brady.  Are you really going to cheer for a puppy-kicking jerk like Eli?  Really?  Seriously?!  How do you sleep at night?  I'll be cheering for Tom Brady, and not just because of all the reasons listed above.  I'll be cheering for Tom Brady because it's the goddamn right thing to do!  Go Patriots!