THE RATASS GAZETTE

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: Wee hours of the morn Nov. 28, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe What the Goddamn-hell d’ya mean ? Of course, I did!  Like, fuckin’ three, four hours! Jeez-uss Harold Christ on the Shitter! W-w-w-w-w-what the shit is this, anyways? Of course!  I’m Goddamn great! I already told you…like three hours! Yeah? Well, I ain’t Goddamn lyin’ about this ! What the fuck is with all the looks yer givin’ me? Hey, there!  Mr.  Tollackson!  Hey, Larry! Yeah, my wife here thi… Yes, good morning Stephanie. Larr ...!  Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Yes…yes…yes, indeedee-o. You and Larry off to the vineyards this weekend? Beautiful... Excuse me, please…Steph…Larry… You better Goddamn not start walkin’ away again! Y…?  Yeah! Seems it must be opening night of: "Inquisition By The Davenport.” The latest comedy by Arthur Dickerson, Cause you’re  fuckin’ laughin’...

Written By: Brandon Schlong Copyright 2013 Reubenickenobickle You’ll never guess who I bumped into this morning. Nope, nope.  He actually moved back to upstate Warshington I guess, sheeit… Musta been two years ago.  Was it two years ago…? Hadta been cos’, I remember he helped me feed the heifers the morning of Patrick’s birthday. First frost of the year that very same mornin’ come to think of it. Oh, sure! Their daughter Bridgette, runnin’ round a-peein-and-a-poopin ever’ where. I can tell you for Goddamn  sure, that he and Kathy had never been happier. Anyway, it was shorely just a brush-stroke of luck who I… No, it wasn’t her either. Her son died , ya know? Ugh, and it was just so Goddamn messy ! She still wanted an open casket and boy, oh boy…old Hard-nosed Hilda Bickered and fought with Reverend Donaldson till the very last minute. No, they didn’t. Hell, they couldn’t have all them school kids seein’ him the way he looke...