THE RATASS GAZETTE

"24-hour banking? I don't have time for that."   - Get twice your recommended daily dose of laughs with some classic stand-up comedy from Steven Wright.  This is from his appearance on Comic Relief III (1989).  His deadpan/monotone combo cracks me up every time.  Enjoy! 

"Then Brian comes in and I change up the tempo." - If you look up "funny ass shit" in the dictionary, this video clip is what you see.  It's the classic scene from Family Guy where Stewie tries to write a song for a girl and Brian tells him how lame he is.  "Why are you bringin' me down, man?"  Haha, hilarious! 

Here is an awesome vid of Green Day rockin' the Much Music (Toronto) stage in 2000.  This song was described by Billie Joe Armstrong as his "favorite song from Kerplunk " on the band's recent live album, Awesome as Fuck . Green Day - Who Wrote Holden Caulfield - Live on Much Music in 2000 RANDOM THOUGHTS... A virtuoso performance by Tre Cool, tons of great drum fills (including a massive one at 2:07) all over the place.  He makes the hardest shit look so damn easy!  I don't know how he keeps up the tempo through the whole thing (let alone an entire set!), but I love it.  He's the best drummer in rock n roll, no doubt about it. ... This appears to be one of Mike Dirnt's favorite songs to play live, I think he really enjoys cranking out the old shit.  He gets to do a lot of singing and lay down a big bass groove.  Dirnt is awesome. ... I think I agree with Billie Joe, and this is my favorite song from Kerplunk .

We're over 3/4 of the way through the NFL season and the Minnesota Vikings are 2-11, one of the worst teams in the league.  As the resident Vikings fan on the staff here, I feel I need to address their abysmal performance.  I feel there are some important, burning questions that friends of mine are probably afraid to ask me for fear I may either A) lash out in rage, or B) break down into tears at any given moment. If you've seen the Vikings play this year, it's pretty clear why they're so bad.  Their O-Line is terrible, their rookie quarterback stinks, and their defensive secondary is awful.  I'm not wondering how they got to 2-11, it makes complete sense.  So me, personally, I have no questions... but still there are things that people want to know about the Vikings.  You know, big picture questions.  I'll try my best to answer them, and pardon my French. On to the burning questions... The Vikings suck. How do you feel about that?   - I just want ever

"You should think of my work as wordless sound poems." - Classic scenes where Ross dazzles the rest of the Friends gang with his musical "talent" on the keyboard.  This is from Season 4, Ep 7, "The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line."  Great stuff from David Schwimmer in this episode, a lot of funny facial expressions and dorky one-liners and whatnot.  Just good, clean fun.  The "Electrifying" performance in Central Perk (3:15) is my favorite example of Ross' sound .  "He's so inspired! Look at him. Look at him go!"   Hilarious, enjoy!  

Has a bad review ever deterred you from reading a book you had previously wanted to read?  Let's find out!  In this case, the book reviews are not only worthless, they're downright insulting.  If you listen to our advice, you're clearly dumber than we thought.  But hey... do whatever you want, idiot.   Michael Connelly, The Brass Verdict (2008) - It's Michael Connelly.  That pretty much sums it up.  If you don't know exactly what I mean when I say that, you've probably got shit for brains. Dan Brown, The Lost Symbol (2009) - It's like Angels & Demons (2000) except a whole lot worse.  It's good if you like shitty stories.  It's a smart book if you're stupid.  If you like easy puzzles and obvious endings, you'd like this book.  Is that clear enough for you, pinhead?   Dean Koontz, Winter Moon (1994)  - Don't read it.  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.  Why do you always have to read everything I read?  Why c

"How many S's are there in the word chicken?" - Here's some classic comedy from Freddy Soto, who was always a favorite of mine.  First up Soto delivers a hilarious bit about his father using the word "regardless" all the time, even when it didn't make sense.  After that (1:45) there's a great bit on cockroaches.  Really funny stuff, check it out! "If you don't see it on the left then look more lefter." - In this clip, Soto talks about coming home drunk when you live with your parents, and about how your parents love to wake you up the next morning to help with household chores.  Funny stuff!  This bit includes the line "look more lefter," which is one of my all-time favorites pieces of material.  Regardless! 

TOP 5 - 'AMERICAN GLADIATORS' GAMES - We're talking about the classic, original American Gladiators here, which aired from 1989 to 1996.  I loved that show and always thought the athletic events they competed in were awesome and probably a lot of fun to do.  Who doesn't want to give Swing Shot a try, right?  So I've compiled my Top 5 list of American Gladiators games.  I consulted a master list on Wikipedia , and clicking on the event names below will show you a video of each one, courtesy of American Gladiators.com and YouTube .  The only criteria is, How awesome was the game?  Enjoy!  1.   Assault - Ever notice how the cross-bow had the touchiest trigger in the world?  I swear, most times that flimsy foam arrow would be in flight before the contestant even got a chance to aim it.  And when the arrow did fly, it never went straight.  My favorite weapon was the ball cannon; It seemed to be the only one with even a trace of accuracy.  All this and the co

"Not gonna play ball, huh?" - Classic scene where Newman plays bad cop trying to nab Jerry in a mail fraud scheme.  It cracks me up the way Jerry plays it cool, and the whole bit where Newman sweats under the lights is pure gold.  Enjoy!   "Oh, how I've longed for this day, Seinfeld." - Here is the end of that episode (Season 8, Ep 5, "The Package") where Jerry is eventually caught and punished for mail fraud, and Newman savors every moment of it.  Good stuff. 

Just looking back here at the 2004 NBA Slam Dunk contest.  Unfortunately, there were only four (4) participants that year (surely, there are more than four worthy dunkers in the league, and surely the fans wouldn't mind watching more crazy-good dunks), but rest assured, there was still plenty of of awesome jams.  Here is a great video mix of all the dunks from that contest... RANDOM THOUGHTS - The 4 dunkers are (in order)... Ricky Davis , Chris Andersen , Fred Jones , and Jason Richardson .  In the first round they cycle through twice, each guy dunking once each time, so there were 8 total dunks in the first round.  Here's what I think... Best Dunk of the First Round - Jason Richardson's off-the-glass between-the-legs jam (1:07), which was the 8th and final dunk of the round.  This dunk was probably good enough to use in the Final round and get a 50, but I think he was smart to use it here in Round 1 because if he saves it and doesn't advance to the next round

We've got a double-dose of Green Day goodness today, featuring two fantastic song performances from their Chicago, 1994, concert at the Aragon Ballroom, which aired on MTV.  The music sounds great and the band appears to be on drugs, so it all adds up to a great live show! F.O.D. - First is a hyped-up version of F.O.D. ( Dookie , Track 14).  I've always liked this tune.  Though hateful, the lyrics rock.  "You're just a fuck, I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck."  It's unfortunate that they cut out the obscenities in this version, but that's my only complaint.  This is a top-notch performance, check it out! Paper Lanterns - The Chicago '94 concert includes a superb version of Paper Lanterns ( 1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours , Track 11), my all-time favorite Green Day song.  It's a great rock riff and Billie Joe even busts out a guitar solo (1:31) here in this one, which goes completely off the rails at the 2:00 mark.  That'

An amazing performance of their smash hit "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour on The Arsenio Hall Show in 1989.  To say Arsenio was a little excited after they rocked the house would be an understatement.  Check it out! Living Colour - Cult Of Personality - Live on Arsenio Hall RANDOM THOUGHTS - All four band members played great in this appearance.  The lead singer is full of energy, the back-up vocals are spot on, and time signature changes are handled with ease.  The musicianship is top-notch, tight, tremendous.  But we can't go too long without mentioning guitarist Vernon Reid.  He put on a shred clinic and we're all lucky enough to be witnesses.  One of the most respected guitarists in the business, Reid showcased his incredible sonic talents here for a national TV audience.  He does not disappoint!  0:09 - The signature guitar riff.  One of the best guitar riffs of all time, I'd say.  It's syncopated and kind of herky-jerky , but Reid ma

Obviously, Grantland doesn't need The RATASS Gazette to promote it's fine writers and content, but I like to pass along the links in case anybody missed them.  Grantland churns out quality stuff all the time.  Here are a handful of my personal favorites that I've read on the site in the past few weeks.  Enjoy!  KLOSTERMAN'S BEST - Simply put, this is the best article I've read in a while.  Chuck Klosterman, who always has a funny and interesting take, examines the idea of nostalgia and what it means to people.  I'd recommend it to any one.  More recently, he's posted his Top 50 college basketball players of all time , which made me chuckle and guffaw on multiple occasions while reading it.  And I tell everyone I know to read this piece on Edgar Winter's Frankenstein , it's fantastic.  Klosterman rocks. SIMMONS LETS LOOSE - The NBA lockout still has not been resolved (as of this posting), and if you want to know what the players and owners are

"You gotta love a sport where you can eat while you play it." - Here is some really funny Jim Gaffigan material, he's one of my favorite comedians.  First up is a bit on bowling.  Like Gaffigan, I love bowling, but let's face it... it's a lazy man's game and people who take it too seriously are nuts.  Check it out! "If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get in my house?" - Here's Gaffigan riffing on camping.  "You know who's a happy camper?  The guy leaving the campsite."  Some real gold in here, enjoy!

"They're slim fit.  Streamlined." - Here are some scenes from a classic Seinfeld episode (Season 7, Ep 23, "The Wait Out") where Kramer decides to prove to Jerry that he can still fit into a pair of blue jeans.  Lots of great physical comedy in this one.  I love Jerry's facial expressions when Kramer insists he'll buy a pair of jeans.  "Don't think I won't, Jerry!"  Haha, enjoy! 

PETERSON'S NEW FACE MASK - Has anyone else noticed that Adrian Peterson has a different face mask these days?  Ever since his college days at Oklahoma, Peterson has always worn the style of face mask seen here... He has worn that style his entire 5-year NFL career, including as recently as Week 4 of the 2011 season against the Chiefs... But when the Vikings played the Cardinals in Week 5, All Day was sporting a new look... He's now wearing a mask popular with wide receivers and quarterbacks, positions where most guys prefer maximum vision. On defense and the offensive line, most guys want full cages because more bars in your face mask means more protection.  Most running backs seem to prefer a fuller cage, too, often preferring the very face mask that Peterson is switching away from.  (The "Deion Sanders-style" face mask also seems to be popular among RB's.) So why is he changing?  Face mask changes are pretty rare.  Ben Roethlisberger and Pey

Close call on whether to call this a Great 80's Video or an Awesome 90's Video since the album "Epic" appeared on, The Real Thing , was released in 1989, but the single didn't come out until 1990.  I went with the 90's because that's when the song was huge (and 1990 included their, um, epic MTV VMA's performance ).  Plus, it just feels more like a 90's video, I think.  The song itself obviously kicks ass, the lightning bolts coming from the guitar are gnarly, and the lead singer is insane.  Check it out! Faith No More - Epic RANDOM THOUGHTS... Solid guitar solo in this song.  Very solid.  Played by guitarist Jim Martin on a Gibson Flying V.  Very memorable and also very hummable.  It really takes the tune to, like, a different level, man.  ...  The real story here is the keyboardist.  He's the best!  He only actually plays the keyboard once or twice but the rest of the time he's posing dramatically, which is awesome.  Of part

"I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit." -  Looking for laughs?  Look no further!  Here's some timeless comedy from the mind of George Carlin.  I think most people can relate to these jokes.  Whether it's talking to some stupidiot on the phone or trying to get out of an annoying conversation at work, Carlin hits the nail on the head... "People are fucking boring!"

THEY RATE THE EXPERTS - If you're like me and you play fantasy football, you've probably read columns by fantasy football experts in your research before setting your lineup.  ESPN has many of them, and I consume them weekly.  But have you ever wondered if these guys are actually that good at ranking players each week?  For as funny as Matthew Berry is (and I actually think he's very funny, I download and listen to his podcast often), does he actually give me good fantasy football advice? That's where the website Fantasy Pros comes in.  Their site ranks the experts for me!  Fantasy Pros is tracking 59 of the most popular fantasy football experts this year, and they rate them using a well-executed Accuracy formula .  I was blown away by the research available on the site, and they've added even more features this year.  I highly recommend this website to anyone who is looking to get an extra edge in their league, it's excellent. Here are some things I lear

The Smithereens - "A Girl Like You" - Just a gentle reminder from The Smithereens that you don't need to be good looking to be in a band. Was it in almost every band's contract during the 80's to put out a "behind-the-scenes-look-at-us-horsing-around-while-we-make-this-video" video? "Look at these guys! The drummer was drumming on his shoes and then used that one guy's head as a cymbal! What a bunch of cards!" Of course, it has to be in black and white, because...well, just because. But, beneath all of the 1980's cheese, you actually have a pretty rocking song. Solid guitars coupled with power ballad lyrics guaranteed to melt the heart of any soccer mom you might be courting. Although, the lyrics are a little awkward at times: "I'll do anything I have to do, just to win the love of a girl like you." In other words: "Your love really isn't worth all of this damn trouble, but I'll do it anyways. That&

I hear people trash the computer rankings used by the BCS all the time.  They say the computers "hate" the Wisconsin Badgers or the computers "love" Oklahoma State.  People say things like, "Well, our team would be ranked higher, but the computers are holding us down." From the media I consume and the people I talk to, I'd say most people distrust the computer rankings and would be happier if they were removed from the BCS rankings completely.  I totally disagree.  In fact, I believe the human polls should be removed from the BCS formula and only the computer rankings should be used. I'd argue that the computer rankings are the only fair way we have to sort these teams out.  Please, read the methodology used by Richard Billingsley in his Billingsley Report (one of the six computer rankings used by the BCS) and tell me it doesn't make complete sense.  Moreover, tell me that the coaches polled each week put even 1/100th of that kind of

Green Day - Welcome to Paradise - Live on Conan O'Brien in 1994 This episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien originally aired on NBC in March of '94, about a month after Dookie was released, and according to the clip it is Green Day's first TV appearance.  It cracks me up when they let the guitar feed back during Conan's intro.  Also, at the end of the song, Tre Cool takes off running somewhere, which would become a staple every time they performed on a late-night show.  Classic! 

Well, we're here.  The Christian Ponder Era begins.  The Minnesota Vikings have started 1-5, and they're going to turn QB duties over to rookie Christian Ponder in Week 7.  That means veteran Donovan McNabb is headed to the bench, and while the move seems reasonable, I don't necessarily agree with the decision. I've been a McNabb apologist this season.  I honestly don't believe it's McNabb's fault they're 1-5 right now.  The offensive line looks terrible, and it appears releasing Bryant McKinnie before the season was a huge mistake.  It's also not McNabb's fault that Bernard Berrian can't get open and that Percy Harvin was put on a low snap count (for some unexplained reason) early in the season.  Those woes can not be blamed on McNabb.  He's just working with what they gave him, which other than Adrian Peterson, is not much. McNabb has not played poorly this year, and he hasn't played great, either.  His numbers (4 TD, 2 INT, 60

"How's life on the red planet?" - This is way up on my list of favorite Seinfeld episodes (Season 8, Ep 8, "The Chicken Roaster").  A Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken restaurant opens right across the street from Kramer, and their neon sign invades Kramer's place with eternal red light, so he and Jerry switch apartments.  A lot of laughs from the K-Man in this clip, plus we get some Newman and an appearance by Mr. Marbles.  Enjoy!

With the Green Bay Packers dominating the NFL lately, starting 5-0 after winning the Super Bowl last season, much attention has been given to quarterback Aaron Rodgers... and not just because of his gaudy stats.  I recently saw a TV ad for insurance featuring Rodgers, where customers mimic his popular touchdown celebration as they get a discounted rate!  It's actually a pretty funny commercial.  Although I'm a Vikings fan, I can't deny Rodgers' supremacy right now. But of course, even Rodgers would tell you that the Belt Move originated in pro wrestling, where guys have been doing it for years (and where they actually win belts!).  That reminded me of a great piece ESPN ran last year focusing on the Rodgers' TD celebration and featuring an assessment by WWE great Triple H.  This is one of the best clips ESPN has ever aired on Sunday NFL Countdown, check it out!

Your day is not complete until you've heard the master of sound effects, Michael Winslow, impersonate Jimi Hendrix!  This bit is brilliantly dead-on, and he does it all: Tuning his guitar, the Jimi voice, and fuzz-fueled whammy bar dive-bombs.  All I can say is, How the hell does he DO that?!  Check it out! 

Zebra - "Tell Me What You Want" - I heard this on Dee Snider's House of Hair recently and it blew me away!  It's got killer vocals, a killer guitar solo, and a kick-ass descending chord progression.  And, as you'll see, the video is everything you'd expect from Zebra... which probably isn't much.  Enjoy!  Zebra - Tell Me What You Want RANDOM THOUGHTS - This is the opening track off Zebra's self-titled 1983 debut album.  I've always wondered why bands opt for no album name?  Just make something up, for crying out loud!  How about this: Heaven Ain't For Sinners .  That's a perfectly good album title for a hard rock band, and I've got a hundred of them like that!   0:19 - Enter the mysterious tigress.  As far as I can tell, there are four main elements to this "narrative":  The tiger-woman, lead singer Randy Jackson, a mannequin, and a red door.  What does all this symbolism mean?  Well, it probably means they had

Tired of simply scarfing down your burger patties and dumping your tray in the garbage can?  Add some fun to your meal!  Introducing the Trash Burger.  Try this the next time you're out at a fast food burger joint... Eat your food.   This step is very important.  If you do not eat your food, you will not have any trash, and thus, no Trash Burger. Lay one of your empty burger wrappers flat on your tray and pile your trash in the center of it.  Your trash will typically consist of things like empty ketchup packets, those disgusting pickle slices you're too smart to eat, and the beard net of the stoner chef who made your sandwich.  Note:  Solid-colored burger wrappers work well, and those foil Dairy Queen wrappers are the best because you can't see through them.   Fold the corners of your burger wrapper around the trash pile and mold it until it looks like a burger.  Try your best to make it look like it did when you first unwrapped it.  Concentrate on duplicating the

ARIZONA STATE'S NEW FOOTBALL HELMETS ARE AWESOME - I happened to catch Arizona State's 43-22 butt-kicking of USC last night, and I was blown away by their new helmets and uniforms.  These new red (maroon? wine?) duds might be the best in the land.  Do you agree?  Take a look! For the record, I actually liked their old helmets (with the cartoon Sun Devil and pitchfork), but the new ones are amazing.  These new Nike productions instantly vault ASU into the conversation whenever the best college football helmets are discussed.  Great move by ASU!

"If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it. That's my motto."   Oh, how I love these old Tim Allen stand-up routines!  He's a man, he loves tools, he loves engines, he grunts, he burps, he soups up his lawnmower and he's proud of it, dammit!  Here's a look back at some truly funny stuff from his early stand-up days.  All of this material was truly original at the time.  I used to think of him as "the hardware comedian" because his bits were all about duct tape and ladders.  Home Improvement was one of the biggest sitcoms of the 90's and almost all of the material for that series originated in his early stand-up.  A lot of comedians have bits about how men are different than women, but Tim Allen made a career off it!  Here is the "Rewires America" special in it's entirety (from YouTube, broken into 3 parts) and I've noted a few of my favorite lines and bits along the way.  Enjoy!    Here is Part 1 of "Tim

Green Day - Horseshoes and Handgrenades.   This is my favorite cut off 21st Century Breakdown .  If you haven't heard anything off their most recent album, I encourage you to give it a listen, it's fantastic.  This is a foot-stomping rocker!   First is a clip of Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre giving some background on the track.  Good stuff.     Here is the song with lyrics. Enjoy! GREEN DAY NEWS - Green Day recently did a gig in California where they played about 15 new songs they'd been working on.  Wish I would have been there, I'm sure it was awesome!  Be sure sure to check out their official site, Green Day.com , as well as excellent fan sites like Green Day Authority and Green Day.net to keep up on tours, magazine features, TV appearances, and tons of other great stuff related to Green Day.  They're the best rock band on the planet right now.

He's old, he's jaded, he's a baseball scout.  He thinks today's players aren't shit compared to Home Run Baker and Three-Finger Brown.  He spews out so many old baseball names you're not sure if they're real or made up.  He mentions obscure nicknames as if they're common knowledge.  And more often than not, he'll start spinning a yarn about some guy he (supposedly) once saw rather than answer your original question.   So who better to ask about Washington Nationals pitching phenom, Stephen Strasburg? < " I don't think he's in the same class as [presumably retired pitcher] Ezekiel Pratt.  The Amish Horse. " On Strasburg's Arm... " Decent arm.  I'd probably even go as far as to call it a good arm.  But I don't think he's in the same class as [presumably retired pitcher] Ezekiel Pratt.  The Amish Horse.  Big Zeke .  Pratt once raised a barn one morning, then went out and pitched both games of a d