THE RATASS GAZETTE

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: 10/12-15, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe The gentle crackle of the smoldering logs That lie deep in the fire-pit before me  Composes a faltering, off-beat melody That I cannot seem to recall. Under the influence of a steady wind (And a tropical storm that has darkened the Earth) The Netherworld Musicians quicken their pace. Ritualistic Jungle-Barbarians ward off all sources of Evil By unleashing their frenzied, systematic incantations  To the God of Energy. To pronounce this amoral God’s name One would have to remove one’s own colon And squeeze the organ from one end to the opposite. The slobbery, phlegmy noise that is spat  Out of the dripping, human bung-holder  Is the actual name. It is a name reserved for Immortals With all-enlightening powers. A guttural chant that suddenly And with absolute-focus-devotion to this Mutant-Mind-Voyeur Molecule-Vertigo-Dissipation... I am bro

Artist: Motley Crue   Album: Shout at the Devil Year: 1983  TRACK LISTING... 1. In the Beginning 2. Shout at the Devil  3. Looks That Kill 4. Bastard 5. God Bless the Children of the Beast 6. Helter Skelter 7. Red Hot 8. Too Young to Fall in Love 9. Knock 'Em Dead, Kid  10. Ten Seconds to Love 11. Danger  RANDOM THOUGHTS...  This album rocks pretty much all the way through. "Shout at the Devil", "Looks That Kill", and "Bastard" set the tone right off the bat with big guitar riffs, heavy drums, and screaming vocals: These are kick-ass rock songs. ... I love Mick Mars' guitar tone on this record. He's got that grinding saw-like distortion going on, it's awesome. I don't care what anybody else says, Mick Mars rocks and always has. ... I'm not a big fan of the "Helter Skelter" cover found here. I didn't really like the original Beatles version, either, so there ya go. Tracks 5 and 6 are probably skip-

  1) Woke Up In A Corn-Bin   2) Wiener Caught In Elevator Door   3) Michael J. Fox Car-Hood Slide Into Side Of Building   4) Trapped In Washing Machine   5) Fainted Back wards At Top Of Staircase   6) Lung Crys talliz ation/Perforated Septum    7) Lightbulb Fused To Scrotum   8) Flipped Lawnmower   9) Pinned Between Toilet And Wall 10) Had Seizure When Using Microwave 11) Depressed After Waving To Crossing Guard 12) Was Second Day Of Job 

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: Wee hours of the morn Nov. 28, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe What the Goddamn-hell d’ya mean ? Of course, I did!  Like, fuckin’ three, four hours! Jeez-uss Harold Christ on the Shitter! W-w-w-w-w-what the shit is this, anyways? Of course!  I’m Goddamn great! I already told you…like three hours! Yeah? Well, I ain’t Goddamn lyin’ about this ! What the fuck is with all the looks yer givin’ me? Hey, there!  Mr.  Tollackson!  Hey, Larry! Yeah, my wife here thi… Yes, good morning Stephanie. Larr ...!  Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Yes…yes…yes, indeedee-o. You and Larry off to the vineyards this weekend? Beautiful... Excuse me, please…Steph…Larry… You better Goddamn not start walkin’ away again! Y…?  Yeah! Seems it must be opening night of: "Inquisition By The Davenport.” The latest comedy by Arthur Dickerson, Cause you’re  fuckin’ laughin’! Hanh?   No?   Not opening night?

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-Squeaks    - 86 Rippers    - 80 Horn Honkers    - 79 Hand Warmers    - 71 Snake Charmers    - 68 Crinklers    - 65 Sprinklers    - 62 Boner Shrinkers    - 57 Doorway Dandies