THE RATASS GAZETTE

1) The Magic Mullet Theory 2) False Flaggin' With Bilbo Baggins 3) Martial Law Is A Good Thing, Right? 4) Koko B. Ware Examines Agenda 21 5) Oh, For Fuck's Sake: More About Building 7 6) There's Like, Bunkers And Shit Under The Denver Airport 7) Wait A Second...Jesus Was A Jew? 8) Some Nerd Talking About FEMA Camps 9) You'll Be Begging For Chemtrails     After The Sun Melts The Skin     Off Your Fucking Face

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...

A Monstrous accident born of lies and thievery A martyr of twisted Evolution, over-stuffed with insignificance Naked and vomiting…flailing Crouching and crawling…laughing Illuminated expressions, White in the Moon-Light Separated instantly from the erotic, sleeping circle Ambiguous Solar-Puppets A Classified conversation, criminal in motivation A mockery of unqualified Administrations Am I… now ? Does humanity suffer from humiliation? Unauthorized attention, desperate for affection Prepared for the enemy’s motionless children Smiling in the future, Censored and sutured Comfortable and masturbating, my shoulder is on Ice Deliberately outnumbered...prowling cat-like Accurate is my prediction of a Government-Funded-Witch-Hunt International Ancestry is forbidden in this lavender egg-shell corridor Yet, I discovered her puckered muscle Golden-Tinted and expanding...with every exhalation Suddenly and silently my Tongue explored Comfortable and re...

Paul Goldschmidt is the best baseball player no one is talking about, so let's talk about him...   Paul Goldschmidt: Hitting Machine. Here's a question for all you fantasy baseball fanatics out there... Who is the top-ranked 1st-baseman* on ESPN's Player Rater right now? Hint: It's not Prince Fielder (he's #6), or  Joey Votto (#11), or Albert Pujols (#26). And it sure as heck isn't Billy Butler -- the 1B I drafted in Round 4 of my 10-team league draft -- who is ranked #33. Yep, you guessed it, the answer is Goldschmidt . Check out these numbers: Player AVG OBP SLG OPS R HR RBI SB Goldschmidt .320 .413 .592 1.005 22 9 30 4 Fielder .302 .428 .569 .997 18 8 32 0 Votto .315 .451 .485 .936 24 4 13 0 Pujols .240 .322 .408 .730 14 5 19 0 Butler .245 .380 .388 .768 11 3 19 0 As ...

You were wrong Every one of you And we all know it Yes...oh, yes... My hands are wet The soap got them clean...yes, it did Yes, it Goddamn did You didn't want the soap to clean them You wanted the soap to do nothing Because you wanted to blame the Corporations For deliberately burglarizing the American Consumers But, the liquid, dish-soap delivered as promised...no? And this towel...this greasy, fucking towel " Hell-Cloth !", I shriek to an empty apartment "Only the He-Goat would dare deceive me !" "Yes, I will !" " Yes, I fucking wiiiiiiiiiiiilllll !" I scream. Of course, the door is locked I am looking at the grease-soaked, Goddamn counter-top! All the Goddamn, greasy counter-tops I have wiped off with this  Rag of Lucifer's Corruption ! I can actually see myself wiping the coagulated Burger-Oils from The faux-wood surface in front of me This fucking towel ...this Menace ! I haven't washed this towel ...

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: 10/12-15, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe The gentle crackle of the smoldering logs That lie deep in the fire-pit before me  Composes a faltering, off-beat melody That I cannot seem to recall. Under the influence of a steady wind (And a tropical storm that has darkened the Earth) The Netherworld Musicians quicken their pace. Ritualistic Jungle-Barbarians ward off all sources of Evil By unleashing their frenzied, systematic incantations  To the God of Energy. To pronounce this amoral God’s name One would have to remove one’s own colon And squeeze the organ from one end to the opposite. The slobbery, phlegmy noise that is spat  Out of the dripping, human bung-holder  Is the actual name. It is a name reserved for Immortals With all-enlightening powers. A guttural chant that suddenly And with absolute-focus-devotion to this Mutant-Mind-Voyeur Molecule-Vertigo-D...

Artist: Motley Crue   Album: Shout at the Devil Year: 1983  TRACK LISTING... 1. In the Beginning 2. Shout at the Devil  3. Looks That Kill 4. Bastard 5. God Bless the Children of the Beast 6. Helter Skelter 7. Red Hot 8. Too Young to Fall in Love 9. Knock 'Em Dead, Kid  10. Ten Seconds to Love 11. Danger  RANDOM THOUGHTS...  This album rocks pretty much all the way through. "Shout at the Devil", "Looks That Kill", and "Bastard" set the tone right off the bat with big guitar riffs, heavy drums, and screaming vocals: These are kick-ass rock songs. ... I love Mick Mars' guitar tone on this record. He's got that grinding saw-like distortion going on, it's awesome. I don't care what anybody else says, Mick Mars rocks and always has. ... I'm not a big fan of the "Helter Skelter" cover found here. I didn't really like the original Beatles version, either, so there ya go. Tracks 5 and 6 are probably skip-...

  1) Woke Up In A Corn-Bin   2) Wiener Caught In Elevator Door   3) Michael J. Fox Car-Hood Slide Into Side Of Building   4) Trapped In Washing Machine   5) Fainted Back wards At Top Of Staircase   6) Lung Crys talliz ation/Perforated Septum    7) Lightbulb Fused To Scrotum   8) Flipped Lawnmower   9) Pinned Between Toilet And Wall 10) Had Seizure When Using Microwave 11) Depressed After Waving To Crossing Guard 12) Was Second Day Of Job 

By:  Brandon Schlong Written: Wee hours of the morn Nov. 28, 2006 Fucked and Formatted: April/2013 rEUBENICKENOBICKLe What the Goddamn-hell d’ya mean ? Of course, I did!  Like, fuckin’ three, four hours! Jeez-uss Harold Christ on the Shitter! W-w-w-w-w-what the shit is this, anyways? Of course!  I’m Goddamn great! I already told you…like three hours! Yeah? Well, I ain’t Goddamn lyin’ about this ! What the fuck is with all the looks yer givin’ me? Hey, there!  Mr.  Tollackson!  Hey, Larry! Yeah, my wife here thi… Yes, good morning Stephanie. Larr ...!  Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Yes…yes…yes, indeedee-o. You and Larry off to the vineyards this weekend? Beautiful... Excuse me, please…Steph…Larry… You better Goddamn not start walkin’ away again! Y…?  Yeah! Seems it must be opening night of: "Inquisition By The Davenport.” The latest comedy by Arthur Dickerson, Cause you’re  fuckin’ laughin’...

2013 Ms. Rosarita Award: Most Flatulent Vagina    Debbie Krenshaw, 35    Tree Branch, WI    Ht: 5'4"     Wt: 85 kg    Measurements: 34"-46"-28"    Top Cause of Flatulence: Going from sitting to standing      Perfect Day: "Pilates by myself and  drivin' with the window's down."        Favorite Show:   "The Monica Gellar Show"    Favorite Song:   "Headed For The Future" by: Neil Diamond     Favorite Book:   "Ropin' Him In (How To Get Your Man To Stay)"                               by: Dale Burger     Notable Achievements:    - 14 hiccuping bend-overs on a first date (7/4/94 Gunner's Hill, WI)    - 17-inch blue-jean skid-mark (12/31/12 Hick Creek, WI)     Debbie Krenshaw's 2012 Stats:    - 88 Pip-...