THE RATASS GAZETTE

"24-hour banking? I don't have time for that."   - Get twice your recommended daily dose of laughs with some classic stand-up comedy from Steven Wright.  This is from his appearance on Comic Relief III (1989).  His deadpan/monotone combo cracks me up every time.  Enjoy! 

"Then Brian comes in and I change up the tempo." - If you look up "funny ass shit" in the dictionary, this video clip is what you see.  It's the classic scene from Family Guy where Stewie tries to write a song for a girl and Brian tells him how lame he is.  "Why are you bringin' me down, man?"  Haha, hilarious! 

Here is an awesome vid of Green Day rockin' the Much Music (Toronto) stage in 2000.  This song was described by Billie Joe Armstrong as his "favorite song from Kerplunk " on the band's recent live album, Awesome as Fuck . Green Day - Who Wrote Holden Caulfield - Live on Much Music in 2000 RANDOM THOUGHTS... A virtuoso performance by Tre Cool, tons of great drum fills (including a massive one at 2:07) all over the place.  He makes the hardest shit look so damn easy!  I don't know how he keeps up the tempo through the whole thing (let alone an entire set!), but I love it.  He's the best drummer in rock n roll, no doubt about it. ... This appears to be one of Mike Dirnt's favorite songs to play live, I think he really enjoys cranking out the old shit.  He gets to do a lot of singing and lay down a big bass groove.  Dirnt is awesome. ... I think I agree with Billie Joe, and this is my favorite song from Kerplunk .

We're over 3/4 of the way through the NFL season and the Minnesota Vikings are 2-11, one of the worst teams in the league.  As the resident Vikings fan on the staff here, I feel I need to address their abysmal performance.  I feel there are some important, burning questions that friends of mine are probably afraid to ask me for fear I may either A) lash out in rage, or B) break down into tears at any given moment. If you've seen the Vikings play this year, it's pretty clear why they're so bad.  Their O-Line is terrible, their rookie quarterback stinks, and their defensive secondary is awful.  I'm not wondering how they got to 2-11, it makes complete sense.  So me, personally, I have no questions... but still there are things that people want to know about the Vikings.  You know, big picture questions.  I'll try my best to answer them, and pardon my French. On to the burning questions... The Vikings suck. How do you feel about that?   - I...

"You should think of my work as wordless sound poems." - Classic scenes where Ross dazzles the rest of the Friends gang with his musical "talent" on the keyboard.  This is from Season 4, Ep 7, "The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line."  Great stuff from David Schwimmer in this episode, a lot of funny facial expressions and dorky one-liners and whatnot.  Just good, clean fun.  The "Electrifying" performance in Central Perk (3:15) is my favorite example of Ross' sound .  "He's so inspired! Look at him. Look at him go!"   Hilarious, enjoy!  

Has a bad review ever deterred you from reading a book you had previously wanted to read?  Let's find out!  In this case, the book reviews are not only worthless, they're downright insulting.  If you listen to our advice, you're clearly dumber than we thought.  But hey... do whatever you want, idiot.   Michael Connelly, The Brass Verdict (2008) - It's Michael Connelly.  That pretty much sums it up.  If you don't know exactly what I mean when I say that, you've probably got shit for brains. Dan Brown, The Lost Symbol (2009) - It's like Angels & Demons (2000) except a whole lot worse.  It's good if you like shitty stories.  It's a smart book if you're stupid.  If you like easy puzzles and obvious endings, you'd like this book.  Is that clear enough for you, pinhead?   Dean Koontz, Winter Moon (1994)  - Don't read it.  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.  Why do you always have to rea...

"How many S's are there in the word chicken?" - Here's some classic comedy from Freddy Soto, who was always a favorite of mine.  First up Soto delivers a hilarious bit about his father using the word "regardless" all the time, even when it didn't make sense.  After that (1:45) there's a great bit on cockroaches.  Really funny stuff, check it out! "If you don't see it on the left then look more lefter." - In this clip, Soto talks about coming home drunk when you live with your parents, and about how your parents love to wake you up the next morning to help with household chores.  Funny stuff!  This bit includes the line "look more lefter," which is one of my all-time favorites pieces of material.  Regardless! 

TOP 5 - 'AMERICAN GLADIATORS' GAMES - We're talking about the classic, original American Gladiators here, which aired from 1989 to 1996.  I loved that show and always thought the athletic events they competed in were awesome and probably a lot of fun to do.  Who doesn't want to give Swing Shot a try, right?  So I've compiled my Top 5 list of American Gladiators games.  I consulted a master list on Wikipedia , and clicking on the event names below will show you a video of each one, courtesy of American Gladiators.com and YouTube .  The only criteria is, How awesome was the game?  Enjoy!  1.   Assault - Ever notice how the cross-bow had the touchiest trigger in the world?  I swear, most times that flimsy foam arrow would be in flight before the contestant even got a chance to aim it.  And when the arrow did fly, it never went straight.  My favorite weapon was the ball cannon; It seemed to be the only one with even a trace...

"Not gonna play ball, huh?" - Classic scene where Newman plays bad cop trying to nab Jerry in a mail fraud scheme.  It cracks me up the way Jerry plays it cool, and the whole bit where Newman sweats under the lights is pure gold.  Enjoy!   "Oh, how I've longed for this day, Seinfeld." - Here is the end of that episode (Season 8, Ep 5, "The Package") where Jerry is eventually caught and punished for mail fraud, and Newman savors every moment of it.  Good stuff. 

Just looking back here at the 2004 NBA Slam Dunk contest.  Unfortunately, there were only four (4) participants that year (surely, there are more than four worthy dunkers in the league, and surely the fans wouldn't mind watching more crazy-good dunks), but rest assured, there was still plenty of of awesome jams.  Here is a great video mix of all the dunks from that contest... RANDOM THOUGHTS - The 4 dunkers are (in order)... Ricky Davis , Chris Andersen , Fred Jones , and Jason Richardson .  In the first round they cycle through twice, each guy dunking once each time, so there were 8 total dunks in the first round.  Here's what I think... Best Dunk of the First Round - Jason Richardson's off-the-glass between-the-legs jam (1:07), which was the 8th and final dunk of the round.  This dunk was probably good enough to use in the Final round and get a 50, but I think he was smart to use it here in Round 1 because if he saves it and doesn't advance to the nex...