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Rock and Roll Concert Review

Crazy the Wildman
w/Dummyfreak

Lily of the Valley Garden Terrace Plaza Arena
Hick Creek, WI
December 31, 2012

Vox: Crazy the Wildman
Lead Guitar: Nectar Jigsaw
Bass: Cig Lathe
Keyboards: "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox
Drums: Sammy "The Train-Wreck" Riphammer
Addt'l Bass: Terry Ladle

Venue Capacity:  4,500
Crowd Attendance: 550
Time: 11:45 pm

Rating:  90 stars, +4 Lightning, +4 Ice, +3 Fire

From what I caught at the bar:

"I'm gonna slow things dowwwnn-uuuuhhhh!" screamed Crazy the Wildman.  

Crazy, who was visibly exhausted already after two songs, plopped down on his 'Gallagher-esque couch prop.'  

"I'm gonna introduce y'all out there to the rest of the guys that make 'Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak' rock so badly!" coughed Crazy.

(Applause)

"And by badly...I mean goodly!"

(Thunderous Applause)

"On lead guitar...I said leeeeeeeed guitar, we've got the philosophical guy in the group...Nectar Jiiiigsaw!  Nectar Jigsaw, everybody!"

(Good-Natured Applause)

Added Crazy, "This guy, was the guy who told us that all of our Anti-Christian media publicity throughout the 80's was bound to ruin our careers, and boy, oh boy...by the time 1989 hit and I was still being driven around in a Rolls-Royce Limousine from 1987, I knew we had hit rock bottom.  The closest to Hell we've ever beeeeeeeeen!  From then on, we kinda switched back to the whole church thing...not completely, or even necessarily obedient to anything the church actually preaches for that matter, but the main thing, is that we're back on the good team! Yaaaaaaaaaahhh-haaaaa!"

(Hesitant Applause)

"Thank you, Nectar!  Ooooo-ooooo-ooo-yealh!"  

Crazy then pulled a lever on the couch and the foot-rest swung out as the couch reclined slightly.  Crazy signaled to stage left and somebody threw three bottles of beer to him.  He grabbed one bottle by the base, smashed the bottle-neck on his forehead and drank 75% of the contents.

"I wish there was an easier way!  Right?" 

(Deafening Applause)

"Thank God for cocaine!  Right?"

(Loud Booing)

"But kiddies, I said Cocaaaaaiiinnnne!"  

Crazy sang that last word like he was in a church choir.

"Ha-Ha-Haaaaaaaaaaaaa-Yeaaaaaaaaaa-Luh!  Just kidding, drugs are bad.  Now, on drums we've got Sammy Riphammer!"

(Hysterical Shrieking)

Crazy took another drink from his chipped and broken chalice, swallowed four Schedule-II, prescription pain-killers, then raised his alcoholic beverage to the sky for all to see, and smiled his trademarked, bloody-lipped smile while exhaling maniacally through his nose.  

(Gargantuan Applause)

As the crowd settled, Crazy proceeded to throw an unopened bottle of beer over his left shoulder.  The beer bottle consequently punched a hole in the bass-drum of "The Train-Wreck's" drum kit, which was right behind him.  Crazy the Wildman then, mercilessly sprayed the drum-techs with beer and screamed obscenities in their ears as they scrambled to put a new skin on the bass-drum.

Crazy continued, "I would also like to announce that last night, yeeeeessss, just last night...Sammy Riphammer was very, very, veeeerrrrryyy hiiiiiigh and when he passed out at 7:30 pm, we shaved his ass completely baaaaaald!"

(Riotous Applause)

"Then we soaked his balls in four gallons of tartar saaaauueeeeaaaaauuuce"

(Ear-Drum-Splitting Guitar Feedback)

While trying to stand up, Crazy announced, "This time was even better than the time we brought our traveling strip-club to Sammy's Momma's house, the day Sammy 'The Train-Wreck' himself, got out of rehab number siiiiiiiiiixx!  Boy, we got fucked up that niiiiight!  Remember, Sammy?"

Not making eye-contact with anyone, Sammy nodded stone-faced, four times... Nothing more.

Crazy started again, "Man, I'm buzzed!  I'm so fucking spun, right now!  You guys buzzed?"

(Light Applause)

"Few people?  All right! All riiiight!  Rooooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!"

(Silence)





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