THE RATASS GAZETTE

1)  The Vanishing Tourist 2)  Severed Vulva: House of Laughs 3)  Richard Ramirez Midnight Fun-Run 4)  Bobbing For Helmets 5)  Drunken, Abusive Step-Father: The Ride 6)  The Anus of Terror 7)  10,000 Screaming Indians 8)  Farmer Mouthmilker's Buttery Bun Spreader 9)  HAARP Apocalypse

Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak Lily of the Valley Garden Terrace Plaza Arena Hick Creek, WI December 31, 2012 Vox: Crazy the Wildman Lead Guitar: Nectar Jigsaw Bass: Cig Lathe Keyboards: "Flamboyant" Freddy Mitrebox Drums:  Sammy "The Train-Wreck" Riphammer Addt'l Bass:  Terry Ladle Venue Capacity:   4,500 Crowd Attendance: 550 Time: 11:45 pm Rating:   90 stars, +4 Lightning, +4 Ice, +3 Fire From what I caught at the bar: "I'm gonna slow things dowwwnn-uuuuhhhh !" screamed Crazy the Wildman.   Crazy, who was visibly exhausted already after two songs, plopped down on his 'Gallagher-esque couch prop.'   "I'm gonna introduce y'all out there to the rest of the guys that make 'Crazy the Wildman w/Dummyfreak' rock so badly!" coughed Crazy. (Applause) "And by badly...I mean goodly!" (Thunderous Applause) "On lead guitar...I said leeeeeeeed guitar, we've got the phil...

2013 Biggest Ass-Kicker w/Skinniest Arms  Award (AKA Steve Wilkos Trophy)        Corey Lipper, 48      Beaver Dam, WI    6'4"  290lbs  12" Biceps     Signature Move:  Double-Fisted-Jump-Kick     Signature Line:   "Anybody else gonna fuck w'me ?"     Signature Drink:   Old Style in a can         Personal Credo: If ya fuck with her, yer fuckin' with me.         Hobbies:   Wood Choppin', Wood Haulin', Wood Pilin', Wood Burnin'     Favorite Holiday:   Goddamn Fourth of July     Favorite Movie:   Born on the Goddamn Fourth of July         Corey Lipper's 2012 Stats:    - 93 Fist Clubbings    - 79 Aggressive Chest Pushes     - 70 Bar Stool Throwings    - 66 Kettle Drummings    - 62 Windpipe Stompings ...

Previewing the 2013 NASCAR Season, which opened with Jimmie Johnson's victory in the Daytona 500...  Yee-haw! That there's a fast-drivin' car!  Hoo-boy, did y'all see that Daytoner race?! Dang, ol' Jimmie just wasn't gonna be beat. That's why he's the best, right there, boy. There some days he just ain't gonna be beat. Junior thought he was a-gonna win, so did The Little Lady , but they ain't. Because Jimmie said they ain't. That's all there was to it, boy. Now, I mean no disrespect to Jimmie, but I think this here is Matt 's year. Now again, I ain't never bad-mouthed Jimmie and I never will. I swear on my dear Aunt Mable's headstone that I ain't never said a bad word about Jimmie. But I'm tellin' ya, boy, this here is gonna be Matt's year.  Why? Well, for firstly, Matt's due. And for secondly, did you know he's got a new gas can man this year? He sure as shit does, my cousin Ernie told me ...