THE RATASS GAZETTE

Poison - Fallen Angel - 1988 RANDOM THOUGHTS ... I love this song. I've been a fan of Poison for 25 years now. I used to watch MTV all the time when this song came out in 1988, and I mean all the time . Yet I had never seen this video until today. How the hell is that even possible? It seems impossible, right? ... I like the little 30-second intro video with the family at the dinner table. Kind of explains the meaning of the song, and tells us what we're about to see. I don't think Poison did a lot of those. Then again, "Talk Dirty to Me" is pretty straight forward. ... I almost didn't recognize Bret Michaels in this vid without his trademark bandana and trademark three girls on each arm. Instead, at times, he's got a red hat that barely fits over hair that's bigger than C.C.'s (not really). It's not a bad look. I wonder when he started going exclusively bandana in public? I'll have to do some research. ... I've said for years tha...

Rank These Curtis Armstrong Movies: __ Risky Business __ Revenge of the Nerds __ Better Off Dead __ One Crazy Summer __ Revenge of the Nerds II Known Brandon Schlong Aliases:   - Harold Schlafli - Harold Richard Baker - Bob Donovan - Luigi Ponderosa - Rudy Bagelman - Maurice Lester - Tarkin Kott - Bird Billson - Ricky French What Is Your Favorite Brandon Schlong Dance Move?   1) The Super-Slow Running Man 2) The Checkerboard (AKA The Jiggler) 3) The Uncle Jim 4) The Burger Dance Do You Agree That Trick Questions Are For Shit?   A) Emerald B) Sapphire  C) Ruby  D) Garnet  Do This Right Now:   Count to ten as fast as you can,  using your best  James Hetfield voice  on the number ten.  Failed RATASS Gazette Business Ventures:   + Morning Dump Energy-Lax + 45 Degree Angle Shelves + 1-Sided Dice  Answer Key: * In order to get a Mantra you must speak Sanskrit. 

Skulls and Cross-bones smile like an armband boisterously A brainwashing formula I have yet to discover leaves me grizzled With Spectral Illusions and dilated pupils  The liquor is calling out to me again I don't even fancy a drink Emesis Volcano with Oriental Eyes A liberating vision, A spiritual Earthquake My armor is like Tempered Steel An Atomic surge, similar to Treason Purges the once permanent contaminations My temples pulsed with purple veins  As I penetrated the Blood-Thirsty Dungeon I deciphered the hidden literature And dealt with razor-sharp abdominal pains The Blood is back...I can feel it The cigarettes lay idle next to an old fashioned typewriter My fists balled... Celebrated aspirin ingested, my cerebral functions decline A mad-house Collapse What have I done to myself? Who is it that listens increasingly interested to my misfortunes? A Tsunami of Belligerence, Immaculate and Super-Charged Echoed in Nightmare-Land,...

- Geddy Lee's first wife bought him a placard    that read  "Bless This Vest," along with a    99.99% Pure Silver Crucifix   for their first anniversary. - The band Ugly Kid Joe was formerly known as   "The Goof-Around Boys." - Glenn Danzig was credited as   "Assistant Music Consultant"   on  Sega CD's 1992 video-game   "The Secret of Monkey Island." - Vince Neil snorted cocaine out of   Sam Kinison's open palm one time. - Judas Priest's 1982 LP was originally titled   "Screaming For Vergeltungswaffe." - Lemmy Kilmister is a classically trained unicyclist. - During a visit to the Alamo,   Rikki Rockett urinated in the    toilet of the  men's room.   He then, thoroughly washed his hands   and rounded up his family. - Bon Jovi's David Bryan also plays   keyboards  for New Jersey's   "Sandwich Meat and the Strap-On Twins." - In 1987, Scott Ian was bri...

Brandon Schlong Prefers: A) SpaghettiOs Original B) SpaghettiOs w/Meatballs C) SpaghettiOs w/Franks D) Beenie Weenies Rank These Advertising Gurus: __ Ron Popeil __ Tony Little __ Billy Mays __ Richard Simmons How Do You Feel About This List? 1) Burgers 2) Bush 3) Moisture 4) Cyclops 5) Neptune 6) Nickel 7) Beaver 8) Shittin' 9) Leftover Meatloaf Who Says "Whoa!" The Best? A) Keanu Reeves (Bill & Ted) B) Joey Lawrence (Blossom) C) Mike Meyers (Wayne's World) Think About This: The night he thought the camera was rolling but it wasn't, and he just rocked out super-hardcore. It was desperate...just awful... What Do These Words Have To Do With Anything? 1) The Roller Den 2) Mr. Belvedere 3) Proctor/Police Acadamy 4) Slap Bracelets 5) Jack Tripper 6) Bodacious 7) Zack Morris 8) Dirty Hayride w/Naked Gravitron True Or False: Brandon Schlong invented the "Potato Chips as Chopsticks" concept.

Cyclotron + Plutocracy + Flop Sweat + MIRV + Merman + Carambola + Flying Saucer + Limburger + Saddle Horse + Loganberry + Fiddlesticks + Mustard Gas + Baronial + Roundhead + Rubella + Antidote + Thermal Pollution + Unbosom + Abatoir + Insalubrious + Ensnare + Acid Rain + Ill-Bred + Rosewater + Turncoat + Indomitable + Corpulent + Beat It, Rummy + Titan + Retro-Rocket+ Screamin' Meemies + Phrenology + Fairyland + Gormandizer + Laser Beam + Venus Fly-Trap + Harmonium + Maze + Aquanaut + Cryptogram + Plebian + Gramophone + Knout + ICBM + Anglophobe + Demoralize + Tong + No Shave Beach + Rook + Encode + Tincture + Technocracy + Beaver Hunt + Nebulous + Rogue + Spindly + Flying Fish + Pyrrhic + Merrymaking + Vampire Bat + Cytoplasm + Sobriquet + Fuel Cell + Water Course + Geomagnetic + Bible Water + Bagel Bender + Genetically Modified Man-Beast + Neptunium + Oubliette + Frogman + Solar Collector + Frolicsome + Lodestone + Speakeasy + Neutron Bomb + Mexican Jumping Beans + Photosphere + ...

- Alice Cooper drinks a tall glass of    ice-water  then shouts, "Let's Rock!"    into a mirror  before hitting the stage. - Klaus Meine was the tallest kid in his class. - Neil Young played harmonica on    Venom's "Black Metal." - Michael Anthony often substitutes    his  live concert "Bass Solo"    with a "High-Alto Solo." - Vinnie Paul's drum stool has a built in    drainage pipe, with replaceable    1-time-use seat covers and a    Barbecue Sauce  Stick-Dippin' Drum. - Oderous Urungus builds model    Space-Ships on cocaine, as a hobby. - Blackie Lawless prepared a    Pineapple  Upside-Down Cake on    Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood one time. - Paul Stanley's original, vocal intro to    KISS's "Heaven's On Fire" was    190 seconds  l ong.  - Matt Sorum titled his auto-biography    "Snare-To...

A Stranger was lurking The Ice-Fall terrorized the emptiness A Prophet of the Nether-World Warned me of the Devil's Manifestations... The Somber Throne A momentary betrayal, Peddled by Creatures Began with an image of The Silver Lake A Venomous courtyard of predawn inhabitants Protected by Lightning An irrepressible fury dwells like a Demon Shivering and Calculating, The recollection disturbs me I serenade the Undead Invincible and Unpleasant, Death is my substitute for Drugs My departure... I lowered my armor and Disaster trickled I am humbled, melting in protest, Unexpectedly Induced Stretched-Black-Leather forms to my skin An Oracle of superficial sin A Frantic Predator, Emotionally Alien , Sophisticated and Glimmering Eyebrows arch as the vegetation withers despairingly A fantastic exaggeration Black Veil, Red Stain She pursed her lips and came again I discreetly found her slit Her buttocks cleft by cord My fingers massage her narrow passage I delic...

It's been a long, delicious journey for Candy-Boy Kyle He gobbles up candy, a lover of any style He'll dippity-dop his Lollipop He'll slappity-slip his Taffy Strip He has hockety-phlegm from his M&M's "You're gay!" they say As he deep-throats a Milky Way He'll dance down the lane With a hand on his Candy-Cane A gentle breeze from his fart Smells like a Sweet Tart The second skid-mark this month, he notes on his chart Candy-Boy Kyle will play for a while Blowing into a Strawberry Whistle It's quite a sight, when he sits for the night Pooping a Candy Missile He loves to suck Sour Balls And check all the bathroom stalls Searching for a leftover Caramel Cube He'll eat what he can find If it's on the floor, he doesn't mind He won't hesitate to swallow it down his tube His teeth are turning green From the Gummi Bears in between The meals he eats with sugar He skips to the store, to fill his belly up with more ...

Your Interbred-Prototype Has an Autocratic Libido and a Primate Fetish Extensive Psycho-Therapy caused Fervid Cannibalism And Premature Ejaculations My Narcissistic rebellion and Soviet Terminology Fascinated the Executioner Under Hypnosis with my monotone slur I uncoiled an Arrogant disposition… Exorcism An in depth Dissection of my Possession Was never cataloged formally All Documents were sealed or destroyed The Vengeful Doctor…Cognizant of my Twitching The Annihilation of the Hospital The Obligation was understood Commanded by the Claw A Shrunken-Head Dialogue About Narcotic Addiction made a Blood-Vessel Explode In My Head Hallucinations of Majesty In which I murdered the Analyst Left me feeling empty Agitated, Deranged and solving Geometry problems I seized the Tyrant, fueled by Amphetamines When the Caustic-Delectability Of Anti-Social Delirium Catapulted a Knife Into His Sternum…Spastic perfection Pleasure producing substances prohibit retardation...

  1) Screaming Into The Face Of Evil   2) Driving With My Eyes Closed   3) Diminutive Mountain-Top Screaming Man   4) Ritchie Blackmore Calls The Shots, Ronnie   5) Lil' Stinker   6) Cartwheeling Down The Stairs   7) Baby Shakin' Boogie   8) A Nice Quiet Chat With Ron   9) Bog-Land Bob And The Squeegie Boards 10) Heaven And Heaven 11) Anthony, Terence, Vincent and Ronald

"You think I don't know what breaks my fridge?" - Season 6, Ep 19, "The One With Joey's Fridge"  RANDOM THOUGHTS ... My general rule of thumb with Friends is this... Seasons 1-3: Gold; Seasons 4-10: Hit or miss.  "The One With Joey's Fridge"  is from Season 6 and it's not just a hit, it's a grand friggin' slam. Hilarious episode. Complete with Spanish subtitles! De nada. 

Green Day - Missing You (Live) - 2013   RANDOM THOUGHTS...  "Missing You" is my favorite song on Tre!  and this is an excellent live performance of it at the Rock am Ring festival in Germany on June 9, 2013. They were the headliners on the final day of the music-fest, and judging by this performance (plus other clips I've seen) and their 26-song setlist that day, it sounds like it was an awesome show. Rock am Ring takes place annually at the Nurburgring racetrack, and if I were to reckon, I'd say there's about 30,000-50,000 people in the crowd (just eyeballing it).  ... Top-notch performance by the entire band here, they really sound great live. Billie's voice sounds strong, Mike is spot-on with the bass and back-up vox, and Tre really kills it on the skins. It's great to see they're still out there rocking and playing this excellent music. Best rock band on the planet!  ... One of the reasons I like the Green Day Trilogy so much is because ...

Amazing Spider-Man #280 RANDOM THOUGHTS... Dude, this is a phenomenal issue. Spidey faces off against the Sinister Syndicate , a gang of bad guys featuring the Beetle , Boomerang , and the Rhino , among others. These guys are fucking awesome. ... The Rhino (1st-appearance: Amazing Spider-Man #41 ) is one of my all-time favorite Spider-Man villans. His rhinoceros-like armor is literally grafted into his very being. ... Boomerang is cool because he's an Australian-born former major league baseball pitcher (in the Marvel Universe, obviously) who now fights the good guys with kick-ass weapons like Shatterangs, Gasarangs, and Screamerangs. In other words, he's living the exact life I dreamed of when I was a kid, right down to the  Screamerangs   ... The Beetle was the leader of the Sinister Syndicate, but he didn't really have any super-powers. He was basically just a disgruntled aircraft mechanic with a really cool suit of armor. ...  Speed Demon was also in the Syndic...

Dio - Rainbow in the Dark (Live) - 1983   Dio - Rainbow in the Dark (Live) RANDOM THOUGHTS...  Awesome live stuff from Dio. The bad-ass on lead guitar is Vivian Campbell, who later played with Whitesnake, and then Def Leppard. He rocks.

Go ahead. Ask me, my brothers, or any of my close friends, and we'll all tell you the same thing: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is one of the funniest movies of all time. It's packed full of laughs from beginning to end. Just one gut-busting scene after another. PEE-WEE AND MICKEY - Here's a couple memorable scenes featuring Pee-Wee and Mickey. Mickey's a fugitive on the loose and Pee-Wee's hitching a ride with him. ... I'm not sure who I'm explaining that to. Clearly, everybody knows who Mickey is, right? "Yeah, I got a real bad temper."  - That's one of my favorite lines in the whole movie. Classic Mickey. Also, I love Pee-Wee's reaction when Mickey puts his hand on the wheel so he can steer while Mickey lights up a smoke. The whole damn thing is hilarious. "Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer." - Again, this shit just cracks me up. The fact that both the cop and Mickey seem to be oddly attra...

Cobra A gun-wielding maniac has taken hostages down at the local supermarket, so the Feds have called in Marion Cobretti... That's "Cobra" to those of us unwilling to risk a punch in the face. This scene is cho ck-full of great Stallone one-liners. The bottom line is, when you're wearing badass Aviators and walk around with an unlit match stick in your mouth, there's no limit to the ass you can kick... 

Green Day - Prosthetic Head - Live MTV Sonic Italy 1997 RANDOM THOUGHTS  ... Haven't done a Green Day a post in a while (which is inexcusable, I know) so let's feast on this nice juicy live performance of "Prosthetic Head" from their Nimrod world tour. This is one of my favorite tracks off that album. It rocks. Actually, the first time I saw Green Day live (I've seen them four times total) was on that same tour, also in 1997. They sounded great then and they still sound great today. 

Firehouse - Don't Treat Me Bad (Live) RANDOM THOUGHTS ... This is a power-packed performance of a kick-ass rock song. I've always liked this tune. "Don't Treat Me Bad" was the first single off FireHouse's self-titled debut album in 1990. The album went double-platinum by 1994 and hasn't sold a single copy since. (Sigh). Doesn't matter though, this song will always rule. ... And by the way, it's FireHouse. Capital F, capital H, no space. Don't be a loser and refer to them as Fire House or Firehouse. This is a rock band, not a gay bar or a building where they keep fire trucks, so get it straight, dammit. ... Everyone who knows me knows I've always been a big C.J. Snare fan. I think he's a great vocalist, and he sounds fantastic here. He hits the high notes with ease, including the big one at the 2:40 mark. I haven't seen these guys live in concert yet, but they're touring this summer with Slaughter (by the way, that is go...

I am unfamiliar with your Weakness, yet you struggle to remain frozen Your ability has been tested, my Imagination is Festive I am   Master-Mind The Order of Serpent Invader Plesio-Erectus-Bi-Ped Mountainous Islands spiral West, a Geological Anomaly  Hollowed  The Existence of Evolution has been tampered with by Cretins and Ghouls Non-existent Spiders, a Nightmare too cruel An Electro-Magnetic-Boring-Tool Secret backward coded story , surrounded and alone Centuries of Genius, Sickened and Infected Poisoned with Disease, unplugged and rejected Sarcastic, anguished cries are Birthing Demons The Heirarchy swallowed power and pride mercilessly Picturing Me Disoriented by the violence, I’m now sleeping in the doorway puzzled Orbiting a Silhouette, I whispered 84 Algorithms  Tackling multiple subordinates, the quotation left my body… Enter the Monster A Cognizance-Altering encounter as the Telephone rang My Administration is frightened ...

Rickey Henderson 1982 Topps #610 RANDOM THOUGHTS ... Awesome card here featuring the great Rickey Henderson on the base-paths, which is fitting because in 1982 he set the Major League record with 130 stolen bases. The previous mark had been 118, set by Lou Brock in 1974. Henderson had put himself on the map with 100 steals in 1980, but in 1982 it all came together. ...  He led the league with 116 bases on balls, helping him to a .398 on-base percentage, which means he was getting on base a ton. And if he got on, he was taking second base in a hurry. And maybe third base, too.  ... Henderson was also caught stealing 42 times in 1982, which seems like a lot (and it is), but when you consider his 75% success rate that season (130 steals in 172 attempts), it's acceptable. ... He was 80% for his career, which is phenomenal. ... Henderson, a Hall of Famer,  led the American League in stolen bases in seven consecutive seasons (1980-1986), and topped the century ma...

1) The Magic Mullet Theory 2) False Flaggin' With Bilbo Baggins 3) Martial Law Is A Good Thing, Right? 4) Koko B. Ware Examines Agenda 21 5) Oh, For Fuck's Sake: More About Building 7 6) There's Like, Bunkers And Shit Under The Denver Airport 7) Wait A Second...Jesus Was A Jew? 8) Some Nerd Talking About FEMA Camps 9) You'll Be Begging For Chemtrails     After The Sun Melts The Skin     Off Your Fucking Face

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...

A Monstrous accident born of lies and thievery A martyr of twisted Evolution, over-stuffed with insignificance Naked and vomiting…flailing Crouching and crawling…laughing Illuminated expressions, White in the Moon-Light Separated instantly from the erotic, sleeping circle Ambiguous Solar-Puppets A Classified conversation, criminal in motivation A mockery of unqualified Administrations Am I… now ? Does humanity suffer from humiliation? Unauthorized attention, desperate for affection Prepared for the enemy’s motionless children Smiling in the future, Censored and sutured Comfortable and masturbating, my shoulder is on Ice Deliberately outnumbered...prowling cat-like Accurate is my prediction of a Government-Funded-Witch-Hunt International Ancestry is forbidden in this lavender egg-shell corridor Yet, I discovered her puckered muscle Golden-Tinted and expanding...with every exhalation Suddenly and silently my Tongue explored Comfortable and re...

Paul Goldschmidt is the best baseball player no one is talking about, so let's talk about him...   Paul Goldschmidt: Hitting Machine. Here's a question for all you fantasy baseball fanatics out there... Who is the top-ranked 1st-baseman* on ESPN's Player Rater right now? Hint: It's not Prince Fielder (he's #6), or  Joey Votto (#11), or Albert Pujols (#26). And it sure as heck isn't Billy Butler -- the 1B I drafted in Round 4 of my 10-team league draft -- who is ranked #33. Yep, you guessed it, the answer is Goldschmidt . Check out these numbers: Player AVG OBP SLG OPS R HR RBI SB Goldschmidt .320 .413 .592 1.005 22 9 30 4 Fielder .302 .428 .569 .997 18 8 32 0 Votto .315 .451 .485 .936 24 4 13 0 Pujols .240 .322 .408 .730 14 5 19 0 Butler .245 .380 .388 .768 11 3 19 0 As ...

You were wrong Every one of you And we all know it Yes...oh, yes... My hands are wet The soap got them clean...yes, it did Yes, it Goddamn did You didn't want the soap to clean them You wanted the soap to do nothing Because you wanted to blame the Corporations For deliberately burglarizing the American Consumers But, the liquid, dish-soap delivered as promised...no? And this towel...this greasy, fucking towel " Hell-Cloth !", I shriek to an empty apartment "Only the He-Goat would dare deceive me !" "Yes, I will !" " Yes, I fucking wiiiiiiiiiiiilllll !" I scream. Of course, the door is locked I am looking at the grease-soaked, Goddamn counter-top! All the Goddamn, greasy counter-tops I have wiped off with this  Rag of Lucifer's Corruption ! I can actually see myself wiping the coagulated Burger-Oils from The faux-wood surface in front of me This fucking towel ...this Menace ! I haven't washed this towel ...