Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is.
What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for?
You can see where I'm pointing, right?
You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him?
Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades
Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you.
And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says
"You're fucking with the wrong dude."
Just fucking sit still, Shemp.
Casey Tinklewater is that man's name.
To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man...
He is a Goddamn Legend.
And that's what he is...
A walking...talking...Legend.
Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as
One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies.
His buddies will beat the shit out of you
Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people.
He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too.
The only guy in the history of Coleman County
To repeat all four years of high-school.
Yeah, he was thirty years old when he graduated.
I don't know, but he was in his thirties...that's the fucking truth.
Watch him chug that full beer.
Now, watch him down those four shots of
Bottom-shelf bourbon lined up there.
What? Probably, "Stag Party."
Goddamn laxative-in-a-bottle, from what I understand.
Old Case loves that corn-whiskey.
Okay...now...wait for it...Yes!
It's in! He fucking did it!
Lifted up that girl's sun-dress and slid those Slit-Tickling Fingers
Right between her savory butt-cheeks.
Looks like he gave her the "Deep-Knuckle-Fish-Hook"
What the fuck do you mean? Like Dorf? Who the fuck is Dorf?
I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
Snap out of it. Okay?
God, this guy is the fucking Grand Wizard of Fingering.
He is fingering that girl's Doomsday-Portal right now, as we speak.
Look at the smile on her fucking face!
Good grief, Charlie Brown...heh...when Snoopy met Sally, right pal?
I fucking swear to God, Zeus and all the Planets, man!
Of course I'm sure. Look at him!
I've never seen him in here when he isn't fingering some girl!
I've walked into this windowless, Fuck-stinky, shit-hole of a bar
Right after he just anally Double-Barreled some Tender Little Shaver.
See now, how he's stirring his drink with his right-hand-middle-finger?
That's how you can fucking tell.
Look how Goddamn sweaty he is.
Just buckets of sweat...wow...
You're fucking right it's a shitty name!
"KC and the Sunshine Band likes to piss all over the bathroom floors."
He's fucking heard it all, trust me.
Having a fucked up name don't stop him from pleasin' the ladies
That's for damn sure.
The girls go up to him. They fucking go up to him!
They have to know!
The Vaseline gloves at night...all that shit...
His fingers are so moist and oily from all of the
Daily and nightly petroleum-jelly treatments
They just glide right in.
And, his fingers are so nimble and dexterous
That it don't matter if it's a pair of white-cotton panties
Or a crusty thong...he's getting 'em in there.
"Diggin' fer night-crawlers, and somethin' to eat," Casey likes to say.
The only complaint I ever heard, was that some girls wished he also
Would have used his ever-present, hip-slung, Beaded-Lasso.
That's pretty Goddamn rare, if he didn't. You following me?
He's like a fucking Magician with that thing.
Picture Penn Jillette as a frenzied cellist.
Yeah.
'Bout the only time I ever agreed with a woman on something.
His status as a Living-Breathing-Non-Mortal
Was cemented last Christmas when
He whispered, "Good luck, darling."
Into the ear of Tammy Wyttenbach as she lined up her shot
During the "Bushy's Bar Billiards Championship Game."
Then ol' Casey proceeded to Machine-Fuck her
From behind with his finger, as she sunk the eight ball.
No, she fucking loved it...we all loved it.
She didn't even know him, either.
I watched the whole fucking thing.
I tried to join in, but Casey's drinkin' buddies
Beat the shit out of me
Then bought me dinner.
I'd love to buy that dumb-shit a bottle of beer, right now
But, I'm broke.
Not one fucking dollar to my name...literally...
Alright...I'm gonna go take a dump, then sneak out the side door
Before Smiley-the-Barkeep here
Notices I'm gone.
It was nice to meet you.
What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for?
You can see where I'm pointing, right?
You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him?
Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades
Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you.
And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says
"You're fucking with the wrong dude."
Just fucking sit still, Shemp.
Casey Tinklewater is that man's name.
To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man...
He is a Goddamn Legend.
And that's what he is...
A walking...talking...Legend.
Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as
One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies.
His buddies will beat the shit out of you
Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people.
He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too.
The only guy in the history of Coleman County
To repeat all four years of high-school.
Yeah, he was thirty years old when he graduated.
I don't know, but he was in his thirties...that's the fucking truth.
Watch him chug that full beer.
Now, watch him down those four shots of
Bottom-shelf bourbon lined up there.
What? Probably, "Stag Party."
Goddamn laxative-in-a-bottle, from what I understand.
Old Case loves that corn-whiskey.
Okay...now...wait for it...Yes!
It's in! He fucking did it!
Lifted up that girl's sun-dress and slid those Slit-Tickling Fingers
Right between her savory butt-cheeks.
Looks like he gave her the "Deep-Knuckle-Fish-Hook"
What the fuck do you mean? Like Dorf? Who the fuck is Dorf?
I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
Snap out of it. Okay?
God, this guy is the fucking Grand Wizard of Fingering.
He is fingering that girl's Doomsday-Portal right now, as we speak.
Look at the smile on her fucking face!
Good grief, Charlie Brown...heh...when Snoopy met Sally, right pal?
I fucking swear to God, Zeus and all the Planets, man!
Of course I'm sure. Look at him!
I've never seen him in here when he isn't fingering some girl!
I've walked into this windowless, Fuck-stinky, shit-hole of a bar
Right after he just anally Double-Barreled some Tender Little Shaver.
See now, how he's stirring his drink with his right-hand-middle-finger?
That's how you can fucking tell.
Look how Goddamn sweaty he is.
Just buckets of sweat...wow...
You're fucking right it's a shitty name!
"KC and the Sunshine Band likes to piss all over the bathroom floors."
He's fucking heard it all, trust me.
Having a fucked up name don't stop him from pleasin' the ladies
That's for damn sure.
The girls go up to him. They fucking go up to him!
They have to know!
The Vaseline gloves at night...all that shit...
His fingers are so moist and oily from all of the
Daily and nightly petroleum-jelly treatments
They just glide right in.
And, his fingers are so nimble and dexterous
That it don't matter if it's a pair of white-cotton panties
Or a crusty thong...he's getting 'em in there.
"Diggin' fer night-crawlers, and somethin' to eat," Casey likes to say.
The only complaint I ever heard, was that some girls wished he also
Would have used his ever-present, hip-slung, Beaded-Lasso.
That's pretty Goddamn rare, if he didn't. You following me?
He's like a fucking Magician with that thing.
Picture Penn Jillette as a frenzied cellist.
Yeah.
'Bout the only time I ever agreed with a woman on something.
His status as a Living-Breathing-Non-Mortal
Was cemented last Christmas when
He whispered, "Good luck, darling."
Into the ear of Tammy Wyttenbach as she lined up her shot
During the "Bushy's Bar Billiards Championship Game."
Then ol' Casey proceeded to Machine-Fuck her
From behind with his finger, as she sunk the eight ball.
No, she fucking loved it...we all loved it.
She didn't even know him, either.
I watched the whole fucking thing.
I tried to join in, but Casey's drinkin' buddies
Beat the shit out of me
Then bought me dinner.
I'd love to buy that dumb-shit a bottle of beer, right now
But, I'm broke.
Not one fucking dollar to my name...literally...
Alright...I'm gonna go take a dump, then sneak out the side door
Before Smiley-the-Barkeep here
Notices I'm gone.
It was nice to meet you.
I know this Casey guy!!
ReplyDeleteHe got me once while i was ragging it.
I think he prefers bro's now.