THE RATASS GAZETTE

EXTRA! EXTRA! - THE RATASS GAZETTE has a new name and a new address. Starting today, we will be published as The Riverside Times   at riversidetimesonline.blogspot.com .  THE RATASS GAZETTE Archive will remain online, right here where it's always been, and you're welcome to surf the archives here. However, rest assured that you'll be able to find all your favorite old posts from The RATASS Archive in  The Riverside Times Archive as well. We've copied everything over to the new site.  All new posts will be published at The Riverside Times , so be sure to bookmark the new page.  - Same awesome content. - Same random nonsense. - Same everything...  Just a different name. See you there! 

“I’m a Milwaukee Bucks fan.” I’ve been repeating that phrase to myself like a mantra recently, trying to break it in, get comfortable with it. That’s because I haven’t always been a Bucks fan. In fact, I just became one a couple days ago. I was a Suns fan growing up, but I wouldn’t call them “my favorite team” anymore. I’m not even sure why, they’re just not. So I needed a team, and I chose the Bucks. And if you need a team, so should you. What’s that you say? The Bucks suck? Well, yes, it’s true they did finish with the worst record in the NBA this year (15-67). The 76ers caught a lot of flak for their futility during their record-tying 26-game losing streak in 2014, but it’s worth noting that they still had a better record than the Bucks at season's end. However, the fact that they're so bad right now is exactly why you should root for them. Huh?  Here are my top 3 reasons to hop on the Bucks bandwagon right now...  1 .   There’s nowhere to go but up. ...

Aldo Nova - "Fantasy" - 1982 RANDOM THOUGHTS ... This is a great song, and I still crank it up every time I hear it on the radio. Great riff, excellent  guitar solo, I could listen to this song all day. Aldo Nova's self-titled album is certified double-platinum, while "Fantasy" peaked at #23 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. The video is a classic, too. The futuristic intro is about a minute-and-a-half long and it features guns, guitars, helicopters, and lasers. In other  words: It's got it all.  The plot for this video was so far ahead of its time, we may never be able to fully grasp its true meaning with any accuracy. But I'll try to narrate ...  0:01 - It was a dark and stormy night... 0:41 - Aldo Nova arrives via helicopter wearing a leopard-print jumpsuit. My reaction to seeing this for the first time:  ( Head bobbing ) "Yeah, that sounds about right." 1:05 - Abandoned warehouse. Door locked. Key? No. Try the gun bu...

Hi, yourself. Jerk.  Oh? You didn't realize I have been up for hours working on my computer stuff?  I was sitting there in my room. I was trying to concentrate...okay?  I maximize my time. Maximize . Maximization, shit-head. Uh, yes. I do know what that fucking word means. Taking care of business , that's what it fucking means. Look it up, Billy. Pfft... Billy ...what are you, a fucking 7 year-old?  A God-Damned, 33 year-old " man " named Billy ... Either way, it's something you wouldn't even know about... You don't need to "Google" anything, asshole. What the fuck are you doing anyway? Making a fucking mess , it looks like.  No...seriously...go right on ahead...let's use the paper-towels that I bought. Wiping up butchered, animal meat and blood...why not?  Remember, I'm just a fucking vegetarian .  You know, completely opposed to the cruel living conditions And the insanely, inhumane treatment of animals...

"I say we stomp him!" ( "Yeah!" ) "Then we tattoo 'im!" ( "Yeah!" ) "Then we hang 'im!" ( "Yeah!" ) "And then we kill 'im!" ( "YEAH!!!" ) RANDOM THOUGHTS ... Not only is this a classic scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure , but I'd say it's one of the Top 10 Funniest Movie Scenes ever, right? I had a hard time picking a favorite line from this scene, there's just too many good ones! No matter how many times I've seen this I still think it's hilarious. 

EMF - Unbelievable (Live) - 1991   RANDOM THOUGHTS ... This video is great on so many levels. First of all, EMF's "Unbelievable" was my favorite song for a good solid two years after it was released. Even after all of my friends had moved on to newer, cooler stuff like Kriss Kross and Sir Mix-a-Lot, I was still claiming "Unbelievable" as my number one. (Although I'll admit Kriss Kross's "Jump" challenged it there for a while. Looking back, I probably said the words 'miggity  miggity  miggity  miggity mac daddy' waaay more than any rural Midwestern child ever should have.)  Second of all, these guys rock the house in this performance.  The drum beat kicks ass. The bass player is rocking and so is the bass line he's laying down. I love the loud wah-infused outro guitar solo (3:30) in this song -- which is on my list of Top 5 Outro Guitar Solos , along with Ozzy's "Bark at the Moon" and Pat Benetar's "H...

Random Notes: 'Don't Stop Me Now' is the best Queen song ever recorded... Very few people agree with me. "Fucking Bohemian Rhapsody, brah! It's fucking Bohemian Rhapsody! That's the number one! I'll fucking waste you!!! Your ass is grass, dude! Eat shit and die, queer-bait! Rrrrrhhaaapsssoddddeeeeeee-luh!!!" some idiots might spit out. I am biased because it is my favorite Queen song. It was reportedly written by Freddie Mercury floating naked in his bath-tub probably eyeballs deep in filthy bath-water...high on cocaine and thinking about dudes. Reportedly...? My Aunt Helen !!! Am I right, folks?  That story is real...   Or, maybe it's completely fabricated. Maybe, I'm confusing that story with some other shit. Maybe, I'm so effed up, I wouldn't know the difference between a toilet and my dinner-plate. Maybe, at a Mexican-person party they throw flour tortillas into the air and shoot guns at them for some rea...

A zombie Dipsomaniac co-habitated with the rusty-haired virgin A cosmic inferno of Lechery  Mutation of the human psyche caused him violent erections... And full-color sensations The Labyrinth of Illicit Sex Acts aroused A Madman compulsion to shave her genitalia The Symbolism of Her as hairless She unfolded her legs for my lubricated aphrodisiac  The flourishing fireball manually deleted She gripped me tighter... I am elongated as my tongue separated her lips  Surreal hysteria as she thrusts her hips Chest to chest, Magnetically attracted  Our Energy Field is oiled with flavored sex Our bodies inter-locked and greasy I am fully engorged and inserted The vacuum of Electricity peaking... The Alpha Male Syndrome My fantasy dwindling  As the mundane Glow of a flickering candle burns Ultra-Violet My urges neutralized Adrenaline traveling limply throughout my nervous system Serpentine scents overwhelmed my Martian Identity Withdrawl symptoms a...

#4: The Boston Crab  RANDOM THOUGHTS ...  Here we see Rick "The Model" Martel slap the Boston Crab on a jobber named Tommy Angel at the 2:51 mark.  As was the case with Hacksaw Jim Duggan's Clothesline , the beauty of the Boston Crab is it's simplicity. Anyone can do this move. Go ahead, kids, and try it on your friends! They'll have fun and so will you. Tip: If your friend starts tapping his hand on the ground and saying, "Uncle," that just means he really likes it and wants a Boston Crab from your uncle, too. So go get one of your uncles (Hmm, Uncle Steve is probably too tall. Get Uncle Jim, he's shorter: Better leverage.) and tell him to cinch it in tight. Your friend will probably be laughing so hard, it will look exactly like he's crying and his back is broken. Fun for friends  and  family! 

Random Thoughts:  Released on the album "C.M.B." in 1991, this #1 hit is a fucking gem. "All For Love" is melodic and has a hilarious, early 90's music video. I am only slightly surprised that this album was RIAA certified Platinum 3x and produced five, Top-20 hits.  I am not a lover of boy-bands by any means, but Color Me Badd has my vote for "Biggest Odd-Ball Boy-Band Of All Time."  The Odd-Ball factor alone, makes them my favorite boy-band. Any boy-band that has a guy who looks like Larry from the Three Stooges and a 5'6" graduate from the 'George Michael School of Handsomeness' that may or may not be 45-years old, I love. Some people might say: "Brandon, you dumb, goofy bastard! These are gorgeous men. They can probably sing like angels too, but I wouldn't know, because all I can focus on is their 'Greek God' sexiness, sincerity and high-quality, slippery-floor dance moves." Other people, like my...

It was a cool, breezy, Summer day in June of 1994. The temperature was a pleasant 82 degrees. This day presented the perfect conditions for baitin' up a hook with a plump and juicy earth-worm...or a night-crawler or some green worms or any other number of dirt-dwelling invertebrates and casting a line into the muddy depths of the Bessie Tonka River. Hell, maybe if your Pop had been working extra shifts at the Carlyle Industries you just might have found yourself with a container full of stink-bait. And if he finally got that raise he'd been prayin' for at the church, you might have even woke up with some chicken liver next to your pillow accompanied by a nearly illegible note informing you: "I gotta work 19 hours t'dee so you go on an' get some fishin' in. Don't fergitt!" A boy of twelve emerged onto Main Street from Larson's General Store with a Mountain Dew Big Slam in his right hand. His name was Murray Tinklewater. This is the life, tho...