THE RATASS GAZETTE

1) The Magic Mullet Theory 2) False Flaggin' With Bilbo Baggins 3) Martial Law Is A Good Thing, Right? 4) Koko B. Ware Examines Agenda 21 5) Oh, For Fuck's Sake: More About Building 7 6) There's Like, Bunkers And Shit Under The Denver Airport 7) Wait A Second...Jesus Was A Jew? 8) Some Nerd Talking About FEMA Camps 9) You'll Be Begging For Chemtrails     After The Sun Melts The Skin     Off Your Fucking Face

Goddamn-It-To-Heaven...there he is. What in the fucking Hell are ya looking for? You can see where I'm pointing, right? You have to fucking turn all the way around and look directly at him? Just because he's wearing those mirrored, wrap-around shades Inside the bar here, don't mean he can't see you. And that Hogan-Stache he sports, pretty much says "You're fucking with the wrong dude." Just fucking sit still, Shemp. Casey Tinklewater is that man's name. To some people, he is more than a Goddamn Man... He is a Goddamn Legend. And that's what he is... A walking...talking...Legend. Around here, it ain't no bad thing to be known as  One of Casey Tinklewater's drinkin' buddies. His buddies will beat the shit out of you  Then buy you dinner, because they're decent fucking people. He is probably the biggest, dumb, sack-of-shit I ever met, too. The only guy in the history of Coleman County To repeat all four years of hig...

A Monstrous accident born of lies and thievery A martyr of twisted Evolution, over-stuffed with insignificance Naked and vomiting…flailing Crouching and crawling…laughing Illuminated expressions, White in the Moon-Light Separated instantly from the erotic, sleeping circle Ambiguous Solar-Puppets A Classified conversation, criminal in motivation A mockery of unqualified Administrations Am I… now ? Does humanity suffer from humiliation? Unauthorized attention, desperate for affection Prepared for the enemy’s motionless children Smiling in the future, Censored and sutured Comfortable and masturbating, my shoulder is on Ice Deliberately outnumbered...prowling cat-like Accurate is my prediction of a Government-Funded-Witch-Hunt International Ancestry is forbidden in this lavender egg-shell corridor Yet, I discovered her puckered muscle Golden-Tinted and expanding...with every exhalation Suddenly and silently my Tongue explored Comfortable and re...

Paul Goldschmidt is the best baseball player no one is talking about, so let's talk about him...   Paul Goldschmidt: Hitting Machine. Here's a question for all you fantasy baseball fanatics out there... Who is the top-ranked 1st-baseman* on ESPN's Player Rater right now? Hint: It's not Prince Fielder (he's #6), or  Joey Votto (#11), or Albert Pujols (#26). And it sure as heck isn't Billy Butler -- the 1B I drafted in Round 4 of my 10-team league draft -- who is ranked #33. Yep, you guessed it, the answer is Goldschmidt . Check out these numbers: Player AVG OBP SLG OPS R HR RBI SB Goldschmidt .320 .413 .592 1.005 22 9 30 4 Fielder .302 .428 .569 .997 18 8 32 0 Votto .315 .451 .485 .936 24 4 13 0 Pujols .240 .322 .408 .730 14 5 19 0 Butler .245 .380 .388 .768 11 3 19 0 As ...

You were wrong Every one of you And we all know it Yes...oh, yes... My hands are wet The soap got them clean...yes, it did Yes, it Goddamn did You didn't want the soap to clean them You wanted the soap to do nothing Because you wanted to blame the Corporations For deliberately burglarizing the American Consumers But, the liquid, dish-soap delivered as promised...no? And this towel...this greasy, fucking towel " Hell-Cloth !", I shriek to an empty apartment "Only the He-Goat would dare deceive me !" "Yes, I will !" " Yes, I fucking wiiiiiiiiiiiilllll !" I scream. Of course, the door is locked I am looking at the grease-soaked, Goddamn counter-top! All the Goddamn, greasy counter-tops I have wiped off with this  Rag of Lucifer's Corruption ! I can actually see myself wiping the coagulated Burger-Oils from The faux-wood surface in front of me This fucking towel ...this Menace ! I haven't washed this towel ...